Baby of mine

So much has changed since I last blogged... Most importantly, Canaan Rhys is here.. and he is perfect!!
Here's the story.. (just as much for my memories as to tell anyone who might be interested)

So, I had preeclampsia. Early in the third trimester, my blood pressure started creeping up.. I had some high numbers early on but it was understandable.. every time we went in it was really stressful and I was always super nervous. But by this point, everything was going good so my numbers weren't because of nerves. Anyways, after non stress tests twice a week for two months and 2-24hr urine collections, my dr was finally able to diagnose my symptoms. The problem is, preeclampsia is only curable with delivery. We were so afraid we'd have to deliver really early but thankfully were able to hold off. Two trips to L&D for blood pressure and one overnight stay for observation, my dr made the call to deliver at 37 weeks. Ever since the beginning, I had a feeling he would come at 37 weeks.. not just because it's my favorite number.. but for some reason, I just knew that was our lucky week.

We went in Tuesday night to get cervidil. Without giving too much information, my body was in no way ready for delivery.. usually someone is dilated and effaced somewhat before going in and since I was early, my dr was afraid I wasn't ready at all. When we got there, we found that I was dilated to almost a 1 so they were hopeful. However, Wednesday morning they found the cervidil hadn't worked and I was still almost at a 1.. 8:30am my dr broke my water and started pitocin and an epidural.. Thank GOD for epidurals!! I don't know why people don't get them. I was able to focus on everything going on without being in excruciating pain. Anyways, at 11am the dr checked and I was at a 2-3cm.. they weren't very hopeful. They (nurses & dr) were all thinking it would take all day. I took a 2hr nap and the dr came back at 1 to find I was at a 9.5!!! Of course he and the nurses were all shocked.. but I was ready to go!! They got all of their stuff together and at 1:15pm I started to push. I thought it was just practice pushing.. I wasn't really doing anything, or so I thought. Seriously, LOVE that epidural! About 15 minutes into it, my nurse, Carmella (AMAZING, AMAZING woman!) told me to stop pushing because they had to get the dr.. My dr (Dr. Ward.. equally AMAZING) finally got there.. I pushed twice and there he was.. Our beautiful little boy!!

He was absolutely perfect! They placed him on my chest and Levi cut the cord.. then he peed all over the dr and started exercising his lungs :) The nurses did their thing with dad there every step of the way.

After he was here, my blood pressure was still high so I was on magnesium and morphine until Thanksgiving at noon.. but that's the unpleasant part so I won't focus on it. :)

On a better note, Levi is an amazing dad!!! I knew he would be.. but seriously.. words can't express just how amazing he is. For the first two nights in the hospital, he was the one who changed every diaper and was the one to feed Canaan. He did everything because I was unable to. It was so awesome to see them bond right off the bat! Thankfully he got to take two weeks off work and I can't imagine life when he goes back to work.. Most dad's help out but the mom is still the primary caregiver.. that is not the case with us. It's been such an easy and natural transition to parenthood because of how we've worked together. Sure sleep comes in a different form now.. instead of a solid 8 hrs, it's more like 2 1/2 hrs- feed- 2 1/2 hrs- feed and so on.. but it has in no way been difficult. We are SO blessed and thankful!

Canaan Rhys is an absolute doll. He's perfect in every way and everything we prayed for!

11.23.11
1:42 p.m.
6lbs 13oz
18 1/4 in

Goodbye to our little family of two.. (well, 4)

The past few days, ever since we got word I would be induced on Wednesday, all I can think about is how things will change.. I believe it was Thursday and I kept thinking, "this is the last Thursday without Canaan". Then the same thought on Friday and again today. We went to Target to get the few remaining things we really needed off the registry and Levi said "this is our last trip to Target before he gets here".

I believe I'm well aware of just how much things will change.. part of it scares me.. I mean, it's been just Levi and I for over 4 years now. Some families start out with babies or have one shortly after getting married or being together.. it's all they've known. Even though it's been my desire to have kids since I was one myself, I have to be honest in that while this is my greatest desire, it will still be a huge adjustment. I must say though that I am so thankful for the time we've had together before Canaan. I've always said I would have been thrilled if we had a "surprise" before now.. but I'm really starting to understand why God picked the timing he did. We had time to be newlyweds and have no idea what we were doing.. we had the time when we found an amazing church and really got involved at NLC, which allowed us the time to grow individually and together.. not to mention to meet some of the most amazing friends who became the example of parents we wanted to aspire to.. God's timing allowed us to finish college and get our careers started.. I can't imagine how hard this is with a baby in tow. I really admire those who do all of these things with a baby.. if I would have had my way it would have been like this for us too.. but God had a different plan.

One day, we will get to tell Canaan about life before him. How we spent 4 amazing years growing as a couple and when our hearts were so full we knew it was time to have another life to share it with. We'll get to tell him how we prayed for him... how so many people helped us pray for him.. how we prayed so hard for what seemed like forever.. and then the Lord saw fit to bless us with this experience. We'll tell him how it was so obvious the Lord had huge plans for him that the enemy tried so many times to break our spirit.. sounds like the perfect action story for a little boy!

What I'm most thankful for is how the Lord has used this time of waiting for Canaan to grow us... Our marriage will always come first and we have a plan when it comes to parenting. We realize the responsibility we have and the fact that we have to rely on the Lord to guide us. I truly believe God has huge plans for Canaan and I have to be spirit-filled in order to play my part.

The wait is the hardest part

I've wanted to blog lots of times during my pregnancy, but for different reasons, I would start typing and then delete it.. I "plan" on blogging more once I have more to say.. like when the nursery is complete and Canaan is here.

So far, pregnancy has been great. I LOVE being pregnant.. Aside from complications such as the first trimester blood clot and having to take progesterone until 14 weeks and now having blood pressure issues.. it's actually been really easy. I guess more than anything, I'm just thankful.. regardless of the circumstances.

I first felt Canaan move at 16 weeks and since then I can't get enough. I live for his moving and kicks and seeing my belly move like waves.

I love that he actually moves more when we're at church, especially during the worship service. I've prayed that he will have a heart of worship and love music, so it already seems like an answered prayer. We've also prayed he will be easy going and calm and so far his movements seem to go along with that too.

Basically, it feels like the Lord has had his hand on Canaan throughout this pregnancy. A friend of ours called one day to find out what was going on and how to pray more specifically for us and she said that after all the things we've been through she's even more certain that the Lord has some huge plans for Canaan. Why else would the enemy work so hard to throw us off? We've had people tell us before we even told them his name, that he is the promised child and God has huge things in store for him. How amazing is that?!

We have a long list of things we are praying for in Canaan and I fully expect the Lord will give us these desires.. after all, he's given us so much already!

Story behind the name... Canaan

I heard this story in a small group while we were going through the miscarriage in September and it's stuck with me since. 


Basically, the Lord promised Canaan, (the promised land) to the Israelites. All they had to do was go and take it (easy right?!). In going to get a good look at the land, they got scared because the people living there were giants and could surely kill them. Forget the fact that the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE promised it to them.. The people sent to stake it out came back with the report that it was impossible. All but Caleb and Joshua. They were obedient and trusted when the Lord said it was their land to have. (Actual scripture is below)


This story really hit me. I knew the Lord has promised the desire of my heart (to be a mom).. but it wasn't turning out to look like what I thought it would. All he was asking was that I was obedient in trusting in Him and his promises. God is glorified in what we view as impossible. 


There is no official meaning for the name "Canaan" but from this story, the meaning seems to be "promise". I'm glad we finally get our Canaan.


Numbers 13


¹ The LORD said to Moses, ² “Send some men to explore the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the Israelites. From each ancestral tribe send one of its leaders.”


 ²⁶ They came back to Moses and Aaron and the whole Israelite community at Kadesh in the Desert of Paran. There they reported to them and to the whole assembly and showed them the fruit of the land. ²⁷ They gave Moses this account: “We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. ²⁸ But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large.


Numbers 14
⁵ Then Moses and Aaron fell facedown in front of the whole Israelite assembly gathered there. ⁶ Joshua son of Nun and Caleb son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had explored the land, tore their clothes ⁷ and said to the entire Israelite assembly, “The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. ⁸ If the LORD is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. ⁹ Only do not rebel against the LORD. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will devour them. Their protection is gone, but the LORD is with us. Do not be afraid of them.”


¹⁷ “Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared: ¹⁸ ‘The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion.

Bittersweet Symphony

Well I have been a mixed bag of emotions lately...

I talk about fear WAY too much.. I give the enemy way too much credit by dwelling on it so I'll just say I'm still dealing with it.. but there is something greater that I am finally ready to get rid of.

I don't know what you would call it.. maybe regret.. even though it's nothing I could change. Until I meet Jesus, I will never understand why we lost our first baby/babies. And in meeting Jesus, I doubt I will think about the pain of this world anymore, so I will never know why it happened. However, since I am not in heaven, it is still something I think about a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I am so extremely thrilled to be pregnant. It's all I've ever wanted (as if you haven't heard that enough). And there are definite things that have happened that fit together so perfectly to make it seem like a great time to have a baby. For one, I lost my position with the PCSSD (definitely not complaining) which means unless I get another teaching position, I can stay home for as long as I want with the baby. Also, Levi got a great job and right as I lost my position, he was able to enroll for insurance. Because of the things that have been happening, so many people have made the comment that  this is why things have happened the way they have. I have to disagree.. the timing would have actually been better the first time.

My reasoning: #1: I still would have lost my position with the school.. but I would have been able to stay home all summer with the babies (due in May) and apply for positions in the Fall if I wanted or wait until the Spring to get a little more time in.. #2: This is the biggie... My insurance with the school would have still covered the maternity costs.. With the insurance at school, we would only be responsible for about $500 total!! That would have been amazing.. however, now that I lost my job, I also lose insurance (duh) and Levi's insurance is quite a bit different.. We will be responsible for a LOT more than $500.. I must say however that I am very thankful that we have insurance!

This is something I've struggled with throughout this pregnancy so far and I am ready to move on. This baby deserves a mom who isn't thinking about what might have been.. The truth is, if I hadn't lost the first babies, I wouldn't have this one.. and I won't know until December and later just what a blessing this baby is. I pray that this baby isn't just a blessing for us, but is a blessing for the world. That he/she has a heart of worship and a passion to serve. I have so many hopes and dreams for THIS baby that I really need to release the regret for the babies that were taken away. I know they are in the best hands possible.

The following passage is my hope. Knowing the Lord not only knew me before I was a thought but he knew ALL of my days before they were written. He knew what I would struggle with and is never far away. It's not only my hope but is the promise for this baby and for every person. If you've read this far, please don't stop.

Psalm 139

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting    

   

We've got the power..

This is long.. if anyone really reads this.. sorry, but I do feel it's been placed on my heart for some time. 

I posted in an early blog about fear.. two most important points include:

1.             What you fear reveals what you value the most.

2.             What you fear reveals where you trust God the least.  

 I've always wanted to know everything there is to know about babies and being a mom. In high school I took Parenting and Child Development and Occupational Child Care. I volunteered at a daycare everyday and worked the summer there too. My dream was to open up my own daycare. I wanted to be a Child Care Specialist because I thought it meant I could tell people how to raise their children. My degree at UCA is in Family and Consumer Science and by far my favorite part is learning about babies. 

I've said all this to say.. I know a lot about babies.. I thought this would be an advantage but lately it's been the opposite. I know just about everything that could possibly go wrong in pregnancy and having children. Therefore, this has translated into real fear.. Obviously I have some reason to be fearful, given my last experience with pregnancy. But I believe God is using it for good.

Basically, I could choose one of two ways to look at this. I could choose to live in complete fear.. fall into the enemies plan to trap me with constant paralyzing fear and I could go throughout my entire pregnancy fearing every little thing that could possibly happen.. OR I could choose to trust the God who promises to give me the desires of my heart. He says those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy (Psalm 126:5). His word also says he doesn't give the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2Tim 1:7). 

A friend recently reminded me of my place with God. As Eph. 2:4-7 states we are "seated with Him in the heavenly realms". Luke 10:18-19 says "Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you." WOW. How could I not know this?? Oh yah.. the enemy has been lying to me.. making me think that he is between me and God interceding and bouncing off every blessing the Lord has for me.. when in reality he is BELOW me.. In a diagram, God is first, we are seated right below and Satan is even further below. 

Reminds me of the song "We've got the power"

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN HE NAME OF THE LORD

THO SATAN RAGES WE CANNOT BE DEFEATED

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN THE NAME OF THE LORD

If we don't understand our spiritual heritage, we will not experience the freedom and the fruitfulness that are intrinsic to our position in Christ. We must know the authority that we have in Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit who indwells us. 

I still don't understand why things have happened the way they have.. but I choose to trust the one who knew me before I was even a thought to my parents. The one who knew this time and this baby were perfect for us now. He has the perfect plan and I'll choose to trust it. It won't always be easy.. and I'll definitely have to fight off the lies from the enemy. But I have the power in the name of Jesus. 

THE Last Mother's Day

This will be my last Mother's day without a baby.. In fact, every day lately I've been thinking, this will be my last birthday without a baby.. my last May 1st without a baby... last Christmas, etc, etc...

I know I've said this a lot.. but I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. I don't remember exactly when it happened but it feels like all my life.

When I was little I would walk around with tupperware bowls under my shirt. My mom had my two younger brothers when I was just old enough to help.. Sometimes I would act like they were my babies.
When I was older I would write letters to my future children. I would even buy them gifts to put in my hope chest. I would pray for them and hope for them. I had names picked out from the time I was 10.. one of them is still the name I want for a girl.

 This morning was the Mother's Day service at church.. It was very emotional. I've received so many texts, comments and messages on FB and twitter about our announcement and Mother's Day wishes.. it truly warms my heart and means so much. I feel so thankful and just utter praise for the One who has answered our hearts desire.

It still doesn't feel real. I have the sonogram hanging on our refrigerator.. that and my ever changing body and hormones tells me it's true.. but I keep waiting for my bubble to burst. The DR told us on Friday that we should announce it.. even though most people say wait till 12 weeks, he said although it's not impossible, there's a small 3-5% chance of a miscarriage. The hemorrhage is almost completely dissolved. He said if he didn't know if was there, he would have completely looked over it as nothing. HALLELUJAH!!

My heart still aches for my friends without babies. I feel like I've been there for so long.. If you read this, PLEASE join me in praying for them.

So many of the comments say something about how awesome I'll be as a mom. I sure hope so. I really believe it's what I was designed for.. the only thing I've ever truly wanted to be is a mom.. Surely I was made to be a great one. :-)

So, Happy Mother's Day.. I really hope every mom feels loved and valued today and every day.

I'll never be a teacher

So I borrowed this from a friend who taught high school for 2 years and makes an excellent case on our behalf. It's long but so good-- enjoy!

I'll Never Be A Teacher

I grew up in a family of educators and saw firsthand that it was often an unappreciated job with a serious cap on how much you can earn, no matter how hard you work. I promised I would never be a teacher.

I was a teacher for two years.

I think God was laughing every time I said "I'll never be a teacher." He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Then there I was, at the age of twenty one, entrusted with the lives and futures of 150 students each semester.

Did you know teacher's don't get a playbook from the school? Did you know they come up with all the curriculum on their own? Did you know their classrooms don't come pre-decorated with boxes of new supplies? Did you know most new teachers pay out of pocket (months before their first paycheck) to fill their rooms?

I was called to be a teacher for a season. I learned lessons I will carry with me for the rest of my life. The time was right for me to leave the teaching profession after two years for many reasons (moving to a new city where the state's only medical school is located has a way of shaking life up a bit). However, many young teachers leave the profession for very different reasons. "Nationwide, 46 percent of teachers quit before their fifth year."
Why could this be? It's such an easy job, isn't it? I mean, summers and holidays off--why would anyone quit? Well, it turns out even teachers and their families have to put food on the table. Who knew they couldn't live off all the love and support our society and students give them?

"At the moment, the average teacher’s pay is on par with that of a toll taker or bartender. Teachers make 14 percent less than professionals in other occupations that require similar levels of education. In real terms, teachers’ salaries have declined for 30 years. The average starting salary is $39,000; the average ending salary — after 25 years in the profession — is $67,000."

If that doesn't make you think, consider this additional tidbit: "Sixty-two percent [of teachers] work outside the classroom to make ends meet." Awesome. Because we wouldn't want them spending all that extra time working on lesson plans and getting a few hours of sleep. They should definitely be getting a second job because their first job isn't that important. Oh, wait...

We trust teachers to lay the foundation for every member of our community. Presidents, CEOs, bankers, lawyers, doctors all have one thing in common--teachers laid their learning foundation. What could be more important?!

The NY Times article I linked to above is worth your time. It does a great job pointing out that we as a society are quick to point fingers at teachers when we don't see the results we want in our students. We blame and punish teachers instead of supporting them. What improvements would we see if we actually tried to recruit the best of the best to be teachers? We'd have to pay them like they're the best of the best, but wouldn't that be a wise investment?

This post is too long, and I doubt anyone will suffer through the entire thing, but more people have to speak up on this extremely important issue or we will all suffer the consequences of a failing education system. I'll end with this great little story (author unknown) that always makes me chuckle :)

Teachers’ hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year. It’s time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do – babysit. We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That’s right. Let’s give them $3 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan– that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day…maybe 30? So that’s $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year. I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET’S SEE…That’s $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on. My calculator needs new batteries.)

What about those special education teachers and the ones with master’s degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute — there’s something wrong here. There sure is.

The average teacher’s salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student– a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!)

WHAT A DEAL!

More about me..

So I had fun last time writing stuff about me so here are some more of my little quirks

So far I have exactly 3 phobias/things that freak me out

1. Planes and bridges- I put them together even though I know they are 2 separate types of phobias. I really don't like either. I've been known to hyperventilate and totally freak out.. Thankfully they make nice little pills for plane rides :)
2. Being pointed at.. yes this is weird.. I know. BUT I've never been able to handle it. Especially if you have something in your hand while pointing at me. For instance, little kids with toy guns.. I really don't like this.. freaks me out!
3. Having water on my face.. this too, is weird.. but I don't like water dripping on my face. I don't get my face wet in the shower and if it does, I have to have a towel nearby. I've never understood the commercials where the women splash their face with water.. seems like torture

I love the Gaithers!! I was raised on the Gaither Homecoming videos.. I love the oldies like Vestal Goodman, Jake Hess, Michael English, etc.. Some of the best music I know! Also love some Steven Curtis Chapman, Avalon, Point of Grace, etc.

In middle school, a group of girls and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls. We would dress up like them and hold "concerts" at recess. I even died my hair blonde and wore it in pigtails and ate a lot of lollipops because I was Baby Spice.

In Junior High/High School, me and two of my best friends made another group.. we could never figure out a name.. and we would sing at our different churches and local events.. we were actually good.

I don't like surprises.. if I know a surprise is coming, I can't stand it. For instance, when I'm watching a show I like to look up the episode guide to see how the season goes. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen.

I have the tendency to be very childish. When I get my feelings hurt I can say some really hurtful things. It usually stems from jealousy.. feeling abandoned in some way. I feel the Lord has shown me this so I can realize the effect it has on people and help me overcome it.

A trait that I've always wanted but have lacked is compassion. I've always had difficulty feeling sorry for people.. my thought was always "someone has it worse".. I've been praying about this for a while and thankfully God is beginning to develop compassion within me.

I am a vegetarian. I'm so used to it that I forget about it being "different". I believe I was 13 or 14 when I could finally get away with not eating meat.. before then I was told I had to finish everything on my plate. I have never liked meat.

However, if they made a candle that smelled like meat, I would buy it.. Seasoned meat smells really good..

There is no definite #1 reason for my being a vegetarian. It would have to be tied with my dislike for the taste of meat and compassion for animals (yes, compassion). I've never enjoyed the taste of meat, but I did get used to it after a while. But I was always opposed to eating deer meat (Bambi) and my mamaw tricked me by making a hamburger out of it (it was gross).. when she told me, I went home and cried myself to sleep while making the decision I would never eat meat again.. I showed them!!

In conclusion on my vegetarian choice.. I realize God created certain animals to be enjoyed as food.. but he didn't say that everyone had to eat it.. I decide not to.

Finding hope in despair

Friday I had an appointment with my doctor to find out perhaps why we haven't been able to get pregnant since the miscarriage. I didn't realize how hard this appointment would be. From the time I drove into the parking lot until I left, I could feel the sadness and devestation from the last time I was there to have the d&c. It was eerie... to say the least. I felt like the same person, like I hadn't grown at all since that time.. and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I just stopped living at that moment.. that the past 6 months have been meaningless.

This weekend I was on the worship team in Conway.. Always an amazing experience. I believe God uses these services to speak to me while he has my attention. This weekend he reminded me that He is not the enemy and instead he's the one fighting for me and that I don't have to drown anymore. Simple, yet very powerful to me. I pray that this restored hope that my God is for me will stay with me and will remain with me even when the enemy lies to me.

Rainy day thoughts

Rainy days often make me bored and reflective... here's what I have so far.

Right now I would be in my 8th month of pregnancy... most women who have miscarriages and want to try again, are usually pregnant within the next few months. This has not happened for us.. Every pregnant woman I see is a reminder of this.

That being said, I think I'm getting better at handling the sadness. I'm not as bitter as I was before.. I can now genuinely be happy for people who are blessed with what we had taken away.

When I talk to people about this, they try to reason with me.. they try to remind me of the logic that these things happen and God has a plan.. How many more times can I say that I know this?..

My problem is.. I've never experienced real tragedy.. until now. And the tragedy that I have to face is the one thing that I've always wanted. It's hard to find your footing after that. I've always struggled with faith.. and believing for the one thing you fear of losing the most is sooo hard..

That being said, I'm working on it.. any encouragement is greatly appreciated. I don't really know how to build on faith, but I feel like he's taken me to ground zero so it's only up from here.

I promise, one of these days I will stop talking about all of this... I will move on one day.

Not how I thought it would be...

Random thought today..

I found someone on facebook and sent a friend request then started looking through my pictures to find a recent one so he would know it's me..
Anyways, I stumbled across a picture of me and Levi with one of our nephews when he was a few years old and this thought has stuck with me all day..

My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. There are so many things for which I'm grateful turned out the way they did. I never really thought I would go to college. For one, I knew my family couldn't afford it and I didn't think I could pass the classes. But here I am a college graduate. Second, I didn't think I would ever get out of Clarksville. THANK GOD I did.. then there are other things like our jobs, vehicles, friends.. For these things I am grateful, but there's one thing I wish I could change.

Here I go again... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. and this picture I saw today got me thinking.. if things would have happened the way I wanted them to, I would have a toddler right now. If I could have gotten away with it, I would have got pregnant right after we got married and everything would have been difficult but so worth it.. then I could have posted a profile pic of us with our toddler and this person would know that we have a family.. when I had this thought, I also had this happy feeling.. a feeling of pure joy.. and then reality hit..

But then another thought hit me.. while I was experiencing this false joy at the thought of having a baby. It was like God was telling me he wished I had this feeling about him. What if I experienced pure joy at the thought of being with him? It was thought provoking and sad at the same time.. Lately I spend my time questioning God's plan for my life and wishing he would have done things my way instead of being grateful for the things I never thought would happen and how he's done incredible things.

Basically, I'm trying to tell myself to get over the things I can't change.. stop imagining my life in a different way. There is no sideways world.. this isn't LOST. God has a plan and I haven't trusted it up to this point.. maybe if I go willingly I will experience joy along the way.. who knows?

About me

Just some facts about mwah...

1. I'm not a social person. I don't like to be around a lot of people, in fact, I've been known to have panic attacks. I like to be around other people but am also a big homebody.

2. I'm not a hugger. Unless I'm really close to you and then I can be affectionate, otherwise, don't be surprised if I am awkward when you try to hug me.

3. I'm not a typical jewelry-loving girl. Most days I don't even wear my wedding set. I've always found it silly when women compare how big their rings are.. I can't even imagine spending that much money on an accessory. It's not a symbol of your love, even those with the biggest rings can get divorced. My great grandmother wore a simple gold band and had the kind of marriage to be envied.

4. I don't enjoy working out. But I do it because my family is plagued with illnesses and I refuse to live like that.

5. I think I will be a good mom, but I know Levi will be an even better dad. He's patient and kind and so much fun. Our kids will have the best dad, ever.

6. I can count my close friends on one hand. I don't understand people who go through friends like seasons. I don't make friends easily (see #1) but when I do, I'm the most loyal ally.

7. I like to pour myself into fiction.. Harry Potter, Twilight, and most recently, Grey's Anatomy. It takes me out of reality and puts me in a world of crazy ups and downs, where everything ultimately works out.

8. Marrying Levi was probably the best decision I've ever made. Being married to him has been the easiest and best 3 1/2 years of my life. I can't relate to people who have to adjust to being married and I hope it stays this way.

9. I don't like the beach. The sand and the salty water mixed with animals is creepy to me. I definitely don't like lakes.. just weird. I prefer big cities or Disney World.

10. I like to be liked. It's becoming a problem now that I'm a teacher because I want my students to like me so I slouch on the rules..

11. I have a tendency to be judgmental.. and I HATE this about myself. I've always wanted to push my convictions on everybody else. I think I'm getting better but still..

I Quit Living in Fear

On my trip to OKC this weekend, I had the opportunity to go to LifeChurch.tv and hear a message from one of my favorite speakers, Craig Groeschel. His message couldn’t have been more relevant to what I was going through that weekend and the weeks leading up to it. It’s getting to where I don’t even want to get out. Every baby and pregnant lady I see makes me more bitter. It’s been 6 months and still nothing. I held strong to my belief that God has a plan and it’s way better than I can imagine, but the longer it takes, the more I start to waiver.

Craig’s message was appropriately titled “I Quit Living in Fear”.

First we were to check which fears apply to us.

   X      Fear of Loss

   X      Fear of Failure

   X      Fear of Rejection

   X      Fear of the Unknown

Being honest with myself, I had to check each area. Now I thought I knew all of the truths about fear. I’ve had 2 Timothy 1:7 memorized since Junior High. “For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”.

Craig divinely taught about even more truths regarding fear.

-       Fear is faith in the wrong things

-       Fear is placing faith in the “What if’s”

Example: Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or liste to me and say, ‘ The Lord did not appear to you’?” Exodus 4:1

  

-       People rarely think What if something good happens?

Why do your “What if’s” matter?

1. What you fear reveals what you value the most.
2. What you fear reveals where you trust God the least.  OUCH!!

A big part for me was this next part. We were asked to take the next step and write out the area (s) of our life that we didn’t trust God with.

** I’m not trusting God with: My circumstances (Job for Levi, a baby) , My future

Facing the “What if’s” of Fear

• Acknowledge your fear and choose to trust God.

My slanderers pursue me all day long; many are attacking me in their pride. When I am afraid I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56:2-4

-       David was literally being hunted down by Saul’s men and yet he decided to trust God.

    

It was so much easier to trust God at first. For one, I could hear him telling me to, and hearing from God was such a comfort to me. But that’s when I thought I wouldn’t be waiting very long. Now that I’m getting impatient and trusting God is becoming more critical, the fear is starting to creep back in.

Now I must admit, I have gotten LOTS better at trusting and letting go of fear. About 6 months ago, I would have had to put about three X’s in each box to show how much I feared everything. Regardless, this message was a slap in the face. It’s no surprise that my fear reveals what I value the most. Levi needs to get a job back home ASAP and we want a baby, like yesterday.. BUT it was a huge revelation to think that after all we’ve been through that these things we want the most are the areas I trust God with the least. If I believe He is our provider, I must surrender all. ALL! Not just the little things and hold on to the things that are really dear to me. Unlike before, I realize this will take some time.

Seek God until he takes away your fears.

                I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

            Psalm 34:4

I must seek God until he takes away my fears. Everyday I have to give these fears to Him. No matter how long it takes..

While I’m revealing, I’m going to lay everything out on the table

My biggest fears:

Jesus will return before I have a baby.

It will take more than 2 more months to get pregnant. (every month that passes it gets harder)

Levi won’t get a job back in Conway.