Not how I thought it would be...

Random thought today..

I found someone on facebook and sent a friend request then started looking through my pictures to find a recent one so he would know it's me..
Anyways, I stumbled across a picture of me and Levi with one of our nephews when he was a few years old and this thought has stuck with me all day..

My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. There are so many things for which I'm grateful turned out the way they did. I never really thought I would go to college. For one, I knew my family couldn't afford it and I didn't think I could pass the classes. But here I am a college graduate. Second, I didn't think I would ever get out of Clarksville. THANK GOD I did.. then there are other things like our jobs, vehicles, friends.. For these things I am grateful, but there's one thing I wish I could change.

Here I go again... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. and this picture I saw today got me thinking.. if things would have happened the way I wanted them to, I would have a toddler right now. If I could have gotten away with it, I would have got pregnant right after we got married and everything would have been difficult but so worth it.. then I could have posted a profile pic of us with our toddler and this person would know that we have a family.. when I had this thought, I also had this happy feeling.. a feeling of pure joy.. and then reality hit..

But then another thought hit me.. while I was experiencing this false joy at the thought of having a baby. It was like God was telling me he wished I had this feeling about him. What if I experienced pure joy at the thought of being with him? It was thought provoking and sad at the same time.. Lately I spend my time questioning God's plan for my life and wishing he would have done things my way instead of being grateful for the things I never thought would happen and how he's done incredible things.

Basically, I'm trying to tell myself to get over the things I can't change.. stop imagining my life in a different way. There is no sideways world.. this isn't LOST. God has a plan and I haven't trusted it up to this point.. maybe if I go willingly I will experience joy along the way.. who knows?