I talk about fear WAY too much.. I give the enemy way too much credit by dwelling on it so I'll just say I'm still dealing with it.. but there is something greater that I am finally ready to get rid of.
I don't know what you would call it.. maybe regret.. even though it's nothing I could change. Until I meet Jesus, I will never understand why we lost our first baby/babies. And in meeting Jesus, I doubt I will think about the pain of this world anymore, so I will never know why it happened. However, since I am not in heaven, it is still something I think about a lot.
Don't get me wrong, I am so extremely thrilled to be pregnant. It's all I've ever wanted (as if you haven't heard that enough). And there are definite things that have happened that fit together so perfectly to make it seem like a great time to have a baby. For one, I lost my position with the PCSSD (definitely not complaining) which means unless I get another teaching position, I can stay home for as long as I want with the baby. Also, Levi got a great job and right as I lost my position, he was able to enroll for insurance. Because of the things that have been happening, so many people have made the comment that this is why things have happened the way they have. I have to disagree.. the timing would have actually been better the first time.
My reasoning: #1: I still would have lost my position with the school.. but I would have been able to stay home all summer with the babies (due in May) and apply for positions in the Fall if I wanted or wait until the Spring to get a little more time in.. #2: This is the biggie... My insurance with the school would have still covered the maternity costs.. With the insurance at school, we would only be responsible for about $500 total!! That would have been amazing.. however, now that I lost my job, I also lose insurance (duh) and Levi's insurance is quite a bit different.. We will be responsible for a LOT more than $500.. I must say however that I am very thankful that we have insurance!
This is something I've struggled with throughout this pregnancy so far and I am ready to move on. This baby deserves a mom who isn't thinking about what might have been.. The truth is, if I hadn't lost the first babies, I wouldn't have this one.. and I won't know until December and later just what a blessing this baby is. I pray that this baby isn't just a blessing for us, but is a blessing for the world. That he/she has a heart of worship and a passion to serve. I have so many hopes and dreams for THIS baby that I really need to release the regret for the babies that were taken away. I know they are in the best hands possible.
The following passage is my hope. Knowing the Lord not only knew me before I was a thought but he knew ALL of my days before they were written. He knew what I would struggle with and is never far away. It's not only my hope but is the promise for this baby and for every person. If you've read this far, please don't stop.
Psalm 139
1 You have searched me, LORD,
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you, LORD, know it completely.
5 You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting
Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
20 They speak of you with evil intent;
your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them;
I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting
That is my favorite scripture! But there is something that you should remember. Ecclesiastes 3; To every thing there is a season, and a purpose under the heaven: A TIME TO BE BORN v1,2 ; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance v4. All I can say is, DANCE BABY DANCE!!!! I love you more than life!
ReplyDeleteLove, Mom