Bittersweet Symphony

Well I have been a mixed bag of emotions lately...

I talk about fear WAY too much.. I give the enemy way too much credit by dwelling on it so I'll just say I'm still dealing with it.. but there is something greater that I am finally ready to get rid of.

I don't know what you would call it.. maybe regret.. even though it's nothing I could change. Until I meet Jesus, I will never understand why we lost our first baby/babies. And in meeting Jesus, I doubt I will think about the pain of this world anymore, so I will never know why it happened. However, since I am not in heaven, it is still something I think about a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I am so extremely thrilled to be pregnant. It's all I've ever wanted (as if you haven't heard that enough). And there are definite things that have happened that fit together so perfectly to make it seem like a great time to have a baby. For one, I lost my position with the PCSSD (definitely not complaining) which means unless I get another teaching position, I can stay home for as long as I want with the baby. Also, Levi got a great job and right as I lost my position, he was able to enroll for insurance. Because of the things that have been happening, so many people have made the comment that  this is why things have happened the way they have. I have to disagree.. the timing would have actually been better the first time.

My reasoning: #1: I still would have lost my position with the school.. but I would have been able to stay home all summer with the babies (due in May) and apply for positions in the Fall if I wanted or wait until the Spring to get a little more time in.. #2: This is the biggie... My insurance with the school would have still covered the maternity costs.. With the insurance at school, we would only be responsible for about $500 total!! That would have been amazing.. however, now that I lost my job, I also lose insurance (duh) and Levi's insurance is quite a bit different.. We will be responsible for a LOT more than $500.. I must say however that I am very thankful that we have insurance!

This is something I've struggled with throughout this pregnancy so far and I am ready to move on. This baby deserves a mom who isn't thinking about what might have been.. The truth is, if I hadn't lost the first babies, I wouldn't have this one.. and I won't know until December and later just what a blessing this baby is. I pray that this baby isn't just a blessing for us, but is a blessing for the world. That he/she has a heart of worship and a passion to serve. I have so many hopes and dreams for THIS baby that I really need to release the regret for the babies that were taken away. I know they are in the best hands possible.

The following passage is my hope. Knowing the Lord not only knew me before I was a thought but he knew ALL of my days before they were written. He knew what I would struggle with and is never far away. It's not only my hope but is the promise for this baby and for every person. If you've read this far, please don't stop.

Psalm 139

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting    

   

We've got the power..

This is long.. if anyone really reads this.. sorry, but I do feel it's been placed on my heart for some time. 

I posted in an early blog about fear.. two most important points include:

1.             What you fear reveals what you value the most.

2.             What you fear reveals where you trust God the least.  

 I've always wanted to know everything there is to know about babies and being a mom. In high school I took Parenting and Child Development and Occupational Child Care. I volunteered at a daycare everyday and worked the summer there too. My dream was to open up my own daycare. I wanted to be a Child Care Specialist because I thought it meant I could tell people how to raise their children. My degree at UCA is in Family and Consumer Science and by far my favorite part is learning about babies. 

I've said all this to say.. I know a lot about babies.. I thought this would be an advantage but lately it's been the opposite. I know just about everything that could possibly go wrong in pregnancy and having children. Therefore, this has translated into real fear.. Obviously I have some reason to be fearful, given my last experience with pregnancy. But I believe God is using it for good.

Basically, I could choose one of two ways to look at this. I could choose to live in complete fear.. fall into the enemies plan to trap me with constant paralyzing fear and I could go throughout my entire pregnancy fearing every little thing that could possibly happen.. OR I could choose to trust the God who promises to give me the desires of my heart. He says those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy (Psalm 126:5). His word also says he doesn't give the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2Tim 1:7). 

A friend recently reminded me of my place with God. As Eph. 2:4-7 states we are "seated with Him in the heavenly realms". Luke 10:18-19 says "Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you." WOW. How could I not know this?? Oh yah.. the enemy has been lying to me.. making me think that he is between me and God interceding and bouncing off every blessing the Lord has for me.. when in reality he is BELOW me.. In a diagram, God is first, we are seated right below and Satan is even further below. 

Reminds me of the song "We've got the power"

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN HE NAME OF THE LORD

THO SATAN RAGES WE CANNOT BE DEFEATED

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN THE NAME OF THE LORD

If we don't understand our spiritual heritage, we will not experience the freedom and the fruitfulness that are intrinsic to our position in Christ. We must know the authority that we have in Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit who indwells us. 

I still don't understand why things have happened the way they have.. but I choose to trust the one who knew me before I was even a thought to my parents. The one who knew this time and this baby were perfect for us now. He has the perfect plan and I'll choose to trust it. It won't always be easy.. and I'll definitely have to fight off the lies from the enemy. But I have the power in the name of Jesus. 

THE Last Mother's Day

This will be my last Mother's day without a baby.. In fact, every day lately I've been thinking, this will be my last birthday without a baby.. my last May 1st without a baby... last Christmas, etc, etc...

I know I've said this a lot.. but I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. I don't remember exactly when it happened but it feels like all my life.

When I was little I would walk around with tupperware bowls under my shirt. My mom had my two younger brothers when I was just old enough to help.. Sometimes I would act like they were my babies.
When I was older I would write letters to my future children. I would even buy them gifts to put in my hope chest. I would pray for them and hope for them. I had names picked out from the time I was 10.. one of them is still the name I want for a girl.

 This morning was the Mother's Day service at church.. It was very emotional. I've received so many texts, comments and messages on FB and twitter about our announcement and Mother's Day wishes.. it truly warms my heart and means so much. I feel so thankful and just utter praise for the One who has answered our hearts desire.

It still doesn't feel real. I have the sonogram hanging on our refrigerator.. that and my ever changing body and hormones tells me it's true.. but I keep waiting for my bubble to burst. The DR told us on Friday that we should announce it.. even though most people say wait till 12 weeks, he said although it's not impossible, there's a small 3-5% chance of a miscarriage. The hemorrhage is almost completely dissolved. He said if he didn't know if was there, he would have completely looked over it as nothing. HALLELUJAH!!

My heart still aches for my friends without babies. I feel like I've been there for so long.. If you read this, PLEASE join me in praying for them.

So many of the comments say something about how awesome I'll be as a mom. I sure hope so. I really believe it's what I was designed for.. the only thing I've ever truly wanted to be is a mom.. Surely I was made to be a great one. :-)

So, Happy Mother's Day.. I really hope every mom feels loved and valued today and every day.

I'll never be a teacher

So I borrowed this from a friend who taught high school for 2 years and makes an excellent case on our behalf. It's long but so good-- enjoy!

I'll Never Be A Teacher

I grew up in a family of educators and saw firsthand that it was often an unappreciated job with a serious cap on how much you can earn, no matter how hard you work. I promised I would never be a teacher.

I was a teacher for two years.

I think God was laughing every time I said "I'll never be a teacher." He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Then there I was, at the age of twenty one, entrusted with the lives and futures of 150 students each semester.

Did you know teacher's don't get a playbook from the school? Did you know they come up with all the curriculum on their own? Did you know their classrooms don't come pre-decorated with boxes of new supplies? Did you know most new teachers pay out of pocket (months before their first paycheck) to fill their rooms?

I was called to be a teacher for a season. I learned lessons I will carry with me for the rest of my life. The time was right for me to leave the teaching profession after two years for many reasons (moving to a new city where the state's only medical school is located has a way of shaking life up a bit). However, many young teachers leave the profession for very different reasons. "Nationwide, 46 percent of teachers quit before their fifth year."
Why could this be? It's such an easy job, isn't it? I mean, summers and holidays off--why would anyone quit? Well, it turns out even teachers and their families have to put food on the table. Who knew they couldn't live off all the love and support our society and students give them?

"At the moment, the average teacher’s pay is on par with that of a toll taker or bartender. Teachers make 14 percent less than professionals in other occupations that require similar levels of education. In real terms, teachers’ salaries have declined for 30 years. The average starting salary is $39,000; the average ending salary — after 25 years in the profession — is $67,000."

If that doesn't make you think, consider this additional tidbit: "Sixty-two percent [of teachers] work outside the classroom to make ends meet." Awesome. Because we wouldn't want them spending all that extra time working on lesson plans and getting a few hours of sleep. They should definitely be getting a second job because their first job isn't that important. Oh, wait...

We trust teachers to lay the foundation for every member of our community. Presidents, CEOs, bankers, lawyers, doctors all have one thing in common--teachers laid their learning foundation. What could be more important?!

The NY Times article I linked to above is worth your time. It does a great job pointing out that we as a society are quick to point fingers at teachers when we don't see the results we want in our students. We blame and punish teachers instead of supporting them. What improvements would we see if we actually tried to recruit the best of the best to be teachers? We'd have to pay them like they're the best of the best, but wouldn't that be a wise investment?

This post is too long, and I doubt anyone will suffer through the entire thing, but more people have to speak up on this extremely important issue or we will all suffer the consequences of a failing education system. I'll end with this great little story (author unknown) that always makes me chuckle :)

Teachers’ hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year. It’s time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do – babysit. We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That’s right. Let’s give them $3 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan– that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day…maybe 30? So that’s $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year. I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET’S SEE…That’s $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on. My calculator needs new batteries.)

What about those special education teachers and the ones with master’s degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute — there’s something wrong here. There sure is.

The average teacher’s salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student– a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!)

WHAT A DEAL!

More about me..

So I had fun last time writing stuff about me so here are some more of my little quirks

So far I have exactly 3 phobias/things that freak me out

1. Planes and bridges- I put them together even though I know they are 2 separate types of phobias. I really don't like either. I've been known to hyperventilate and totally freak out.. Thankfully they make nice little pills for plane rides :)
2. Being pointed at.. yes this is weird.. I know. BUT I've never been able to handle it. Especially if you have something in your hand while pointing at me. For instance, little kids with toy guns.. I really don't like this.. freaks me out!
3. Having water on my face.. this too, is weird.. but I don't like water dripping on my face. I don't get my face wet in the shower and if it does, I have to have a towel nearby. I've never understood the commercials where the women splash their face with water.. seems like torture

I love the Gaithers!! I was raised on the Gaither Homecoming videos.. I love the oldies like Vestal Goodman, Jake Hess, Michael English, etc.. Some of the best music I know! Also love some Steven Curtis Chapman, Avalon, Point of Grace, etc.

In middle school, a group of girls and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls. We would dress up like them and hold "concerts" at recess. I even died my hair blonde and wore it in pigtails and ate a lot of lollipops because I was Baby Spice.

In Junior High/High School, me and two of my best friends made another group.. we could never figure out a name.. and we would sing at our different churches and local events.. we were actually good.

I don't like surprises.. if I know a surprise is coming, I can't stand it. For instance, when I'm watching a show I like to look up the episode guide to see how the season goes. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen.

I have the tendency to be very childish. When I get my feelings hurt I can say some really hurtful things. It usually stems from jealousy.. feeling abandoned in some way. I feel the Lord has shown me this so I can realize the effect it has on people and help me overcome it.

A trait that I've always wanted but have lacked is compassion. I've always had difficulty feeling sorry for people.. my thought was always "someone has it worse".. I've been praying about this for a while and thankfully God is beginning to develop compassion within me.

I am a vegetarian. I'm so used to it that I forget about it being "different". I believe I was 13 or 14 when I could finally get away with not eating meat.. before then I was told I had to finish everything on my plate. I have never liked meat.

However, if they made a candle that smelled like meat, I would buy it.. Seasoned meat smells really good..

There is no definite #1 reason for my being a vegetarian. It would have to be tied with my dislike for the taste of meat and compassion for animals (yes, compassion). I've never enjoyed the taste of meat, but I did get used to it after a while. But I was always opposed to eating deer meat (Bambi) and my mamaw tricked me by making a hamburger out of it (it was gross).. when she told me, I went home and cried myself to sleep while making the decision I would never eat meat again.. I showed them!!

In conclusion on my vegetarian choice.. I realize God created certain animals to be enjoyed as food.. but he didn't say that everyone had to eat it.. I decide not to.

Finding hope in despair

Friday I had an appointment with my doctor to find out perhaps why we haven't been able to get pregnant since the miscarriage. I didn't realize how hard this appointment would be. From the time I drove into the parking lot until I left, I could feel the sadness and devestation from the last time I was there to have the d&c. It was eerie... to say the least. I felt like the same person, like I hadn't grown at all since that time.. and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I just stopped living at that moment.. that the past 6 months have been meaningless.

This weekend I was on the worship team in Conway.. Always an amazing experience. I believe God uses these services to speak to me while he has my attention. This weekend he reminded me that He is not the enemy and instead he's the one fighting for me and that I don't have to drown anymore. Simple, yet very powerful to me. I pray that this restored hope that my God is for me will stay with me and will remain with me even when the enemy lies to me.

Rainy day thoughts

Rainy days often make me bored and reflective... here's what I have so far.

Right now I would be in my 8th month of pregnancy... most women who have miscarriages and want to try again, are usually pregnant within the next few months. This has not happened for us.. Every pregnant woman I see is a reminder of this.

That being said, I think I'm getting better at handling the sadness. I'm not as bitter as I was before.. I can now genuinely be happy for people who are blessed with what we had taken away.

When I talk to people about this, they try to reason with me.. they try to remind me of the logic that these things happen and God has a plan.. How many more times can I say that I know this?..

My problem is.. I've never experienced real tragedy.. until now. And the tragedy that I have to face is the one thing that I've always wanted. It's hard to find your footing after that. I've always struggled with faith.. and believing for the one thing you fear of losing the most is sooo hard..

That being said, I'm working on it.. any encouragement is greatly appreciated. I don't really know how to build on faith, but I feel like he's taken me to ground zero so it's only up from here.

I promise, one of these days I will stop talking about all of this... I will move on one day.