THE Last Mother's Day

This will be my last Mother's day without a baby.. In fact, every day lately I've been thinking, this will be my last birthday without a baby.. my last May 1st without a baby... last Christmas, etc, etc...

I know I've said this a lot.. but I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. I don't remember exactly when it happened but it feels like all my life.

When I was little I would walk around with tupperware bowls under my shirt. My mom had my two younger brothers when I was just old enough to help.. Sometimes I would act like they were my babies.
When I was older I would write letters to my future children. I would even buy them gifts to put in my hope chest. I would pray for them and hope for them. I had names picked out from the time I was 10.. one of them is still the name I want for a girl.

 This morning was the Mother's Day service at church.. It was very emotional. I've received so many texts, comments and messages on FB and twitter about our announcement and Mother's Day wishes.. it truly warms my heart and means so much. I feel so thankful and just utter praise for the One who has answered our hearts desire.

It still doesn't feel real. I have the sonogram hanging on our refrigerator.. that and my ever changing body and hormones tells me it's true.. but I keep waiting for my bubble to burst. The DR told us on Friday that we should announce it.. even though most people say wait till 12 weeks, he said although it's not impossible, there's a small 3-5% chance of a miscarriage. The hemorrhage is almost completely dissolved. He said if he didn't know if was there, he would have completely looked over it as nothing. HALLELUJAH!!

My heart still aches for my friends without babies. I feel like I've been there for so long.. If you read this, PLEASE join me in praying for them.

So many of the comments say something about how awesome I'll be as a mom. I sure hope so. I really believe it's what I was designed for.. the only thing I've ever truly wanted to be is a mom.. Surely I was made to be a great one. :-)

So, Happy Mother's Day.. I really hope every mom feels loved and valued today and every day.

I'll never be a teacher

So I borrowed this from a friend who taught high school for 2 years and makes an excellent case on our behalf. It's long but so good-- enjoy!

I'll Never Be A Teacher

I grew up in a family of educators and saw firsthand that it was often an unappreciated job with a serious cap on how much you can earn, no matter how hard you work. I promised I would never be a teacher.

I was a teacher for two years.

I think God was laughing every time I said "I'll never be a teacher." He laughed, and laughed, and laughed. Then there I was, at the age of twenty one, entrusted with the lives and futures of 150 students each semester.

Did you know teacher's don't get a playbook from the school? Did you know they come up with all the curriculum on their own? Did you know their classrooms don't come pre-decorated with boxes of new supplies? Did you know most new teachers pay out of pocket (months before their first paycheck) to fill their rooms?

I was called to be a teacher for a season. I learned lessons I will carry with me for the rest of my life. The time was right for me to leave the teaching profession after two years for many reasons (moving to a new city where the state's only medical school is located has a way of shaking life up a bit). However, many young teachers leave the profession for very different reasons. "Nationwide, 46 percent of teachers quit before their fifth year."
Why could this be? It's such an easy job, isn't it? I mean, summers and holidays off--why would anyone quit? Well, it turns out even teachers and their families have to put food on the table. Who knew they couldn't live off all the love and support our society and students give them?

"At the moment, the average teacher’s pay is on par with that of a toll taker or bartender. Teachers make 14 percent less than professionals in other occupations that require similar levels of education. In real terms, teachers’ salaries have declined for 30 years. The average starting salary is $39,000; the average ending salary — after 25 years in the profession — is $67,000."

If that doesn't make you think, consider this additional tidbit: "Sixty-two percent [of teachers] work outside the classroom to make ends meet." Awesome. Because we wouldn't want them spending all that extra time working on lesson plans and getting a few hours of sleep. They should definitely be getting a second job because their first job isn't that important. Oh, wait...

We trust teachers to lay the foundation for every member of our community. Presidents, CEOs, bankers, lawyers, doctors all have one thing in common--teachers laid their learning foundation. What could be more important?!

The NY Times article I linked to above is worth your time. It does a great job pointing out that we as a society are quick to point fingers at teachers when we don't see the results we want in our students. We blame and punish teachers instead of supporting them. What improvements would we see if we actually tried to recruit the best of the best to be teachers? We'd have to pay them like they're the best of the best, but wouldn't that be a wise investment?

This post is too long, and I doubt anyone will suffer through the entire thing, but more people have to speak up on this extremely important issue or we will all suffer the consequences of a failing education system. I'll end with this great little story (author unknown) that always makes me chuckle :)

Teachers’ hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work 9 or 10 months a year. It’s time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do – babysit. We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That’s right. Let’s give them $3 an hour and only the hours they worked; not any of that silly planning time, or any time they spend before or after school. That would be $19.50 a day (7:45 to 3:00 PM with 45 min. off for lunch and plan– that equals 6 1/2 hours).

Each parent should pay $19.50 a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now how many students do they teach in a day…maybe 30? So that’s $19.50 x 30 = $585.00 a day.
However, remember they only work 180 days a year. I am not going to pay them for any vacations.

LET’S SEE…That’s $585 X 180= $105,300 per year. (Hold on. My calculator needs new batteries.)

What about those special education teachers and the ones with master’s degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage ($7.75), and just to be fair, round it off to $8.00 an hour. That would be $8 X 6 1/2 hours X 30 children X 180 days = $280,800 per year.

Wait a minute — there’s something wrong here. There sure is.

The average teacher’s salary (nationwide) is $50,000. $50,000/180 days = $277.77/per day/30 students=$9.25/6.5 hours = $1.42 per hour per student– a very inexpensive baby-sitter and they even EDUCATE your kids!)

WHAT A DEAL!

More about me..

So I had fun last time writing stuff about me so here are some more of my little quirks

So far I have exactly 3 phobias/things that freak me out

1. Planes and bridges- I put them together even though I know they are 2 separate types of phobias. I really don't like either. I've been known to hyperventilate and totally freak out.. Thankfully they make nice little pills for plane rides :)
2. Being pointed at.. yes this is weird.. I know. BUT I've never been able to handle it. Especially if you have something in your hand while pointing at me. For instance, little kids with toy guns.. I really don't like this.. freaks me out!
3. Having water on my face.. this too, is weird.. but I don't like water dripping on my face. I don't get my face wet in the shower and if it does, I have to have a towel nearby. I've never understood the commercials where the women splash their face with water.. seems like torture

I love the Gaithers!! I was raised on the Gaither Homecoming videos.. I love the oldies like Vestal Goodman, Jake Hess, Michael English, etc.. Some of the best music I know! Also love some Steven Curtis Chapman, Avalon, Point of Grace, etc.

In middle school, a group of girls and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls. We would dress up like them and hold "concerts" at recess. I even died my hair blonde and wore it in pigtails and ate a lot of lollipops because I was Baby Spice.

In Junior High/High School, me and two of my best friends made another group.. we could never figure out a name.. and we would sing at our different churches and local events.. we were actually good.

I don't like surprises.. if I know a surprise is coming, I can't stand it. For instance, when I'm watching a show I like to look up the episode guide to see how the season goes. I don't like not knowing what's going to happen.

I have the tendency to be very childish. When I get my feelings hurt I can say some really hurtful things. It usually stems from jealousy.. feeling abandoned in some way. I feel the Lord has shown me this so I can realize the effect it has on people and help me overcome it.

A trait that I've always wanted but have lacked is compassion. I've always had difficulty feeling sorry for people.. my thought was always "someone has it worse".. I've been praying about this for a while and thankfully God is beginning to develop compassion within me.

I am a vegetarian. I'm so used to it that I forget about it being "different". I believe I was 13 or 14 when I could finally get away with not eating meat.. before then I was told I had to finish everything on my plate. I have never liked meat.

However, if they made a candle that smelled like meat, I would buy it.. Seasoned meat smells really good..

There is no definite #1 reason for my being a vegetarian. It would have to be tied with my dislike for the taste of meat and compassion for animals (yes, compassion). I've never enjoyed the taste of meat, but I did get used to it after a while. But I was always opposed to eating deer meat (Bambi) and my mamaw tricked me by making a hamburger out of it (it was gross).. when she told me, I went home and cried myself to sleep while making the decision I would never eat meat again.. I showed them!!

In conclusion on my vegetarian choice.. I realize God created certain animals to be enjoyed as food.. but he didn't say that everyone had to eat it.. I decide not to.

Finding hope in despair

Friday I had an appointment with my doctor to find out perhaps why we haven't been able to get pregnant since the miscarriage. I didn't realize how hard this appointment would be. From the time I drove into the parking lot until I left, I could feel the sadness and devestation from the last time I was there to have the d&c. It was eerie... to say the least. I felt like the same person, like I hadn't grown at all since that time.. and I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like I just stopped living at that moment.. that the past 6 months have been meaningless.

This weekend I was on the worship team in Conway.. Always an amazing experience. I believe God uses these services to speak to me while he has my attention. This weekend he reminded me that He is not the enemy and instead he's the one fighting for me and that I don't have to drown anymore. Simple, yet very powerful to me. I pray that this restored hope that my God is for me will stay with me and will remain with me even when the enemy lies to me.

Rainy day thoughts

Rainy days often make me bored and reflective... here's what I have so far.

Right now I would be in my 8th month of pregnancy... most women who have miscarriages and want to try again, are usually pregnant within the next few months. This has not happened for us.. Every pregnant woman I see is a reminder of this.

That being said, I think I'm getting better at handling the sadness. I'm not as bitter as I was before.. I can now genuinely be happy for people who are blessed with what we had taken away.

When I talk to people about this, they try to reason with me.. they try to remind me of the logic that these things happen and God has a plan.. How many more times can I say that I know this?..

My problem is.. I've never experienced real tragedy.. until now. And the tragedy that I have to face is the one thing that I've always wanted. It's hard to find your footing after that. I've always struggled with faith.. and believing for the one thing you fear of losing the most is sooo hard..

That being said, I'm working on it.. any encouragement is greatly appreciated. I don't really know how to build on faith, but I feel like he's taken me to ground zero so it's only up from here.

I promise, one of these days I will stop talking about all of this... I will move on one day.

Not how I thought it would be...

Random thought today..

I found someone on facebook and sent a friend request then started looking through my pictures to find a recent one so he would know it's me..
Anyways, I stumbled across a picture of me and Levi with one of our nephews when he was a few years old and this thought has stuck with me all day..

My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. There are so many things for which I'm grateful turned out the way they did. I never really thought I would go to college. For one, I knew my family couldn't afford it and I didn't think I could pass the classes. But here I am a college graduate. Second, I didn't think I would ever get out of Clarksville. THANK GOD I did.. then there are other things like our jobs, vehicles, friends.. For these things I am grateful, but there's one thing I wish I could change.

Here I go again... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. and this picture I saw today got me thinking.. if things would have happened the way I wanted them to, I would have a toddler right now. If I could have gotten away with it, I would have got pregnant right after we got married and everything would have been difficult but so worth it.. then I could have posted a profile pic of us with our toddler and this person would know that we have a family.. when I had this thought, I also had this happy feeling.. a feeling of pure joy.. and then reality hit..

But then another thought hit me.. while I was experiencing this false joy at the thought of having a baby. It was like God was telling me he wished I had this feeling about him. What if I experienced pure joy at the thought of being with him? It was thought provoking and sad at the same time.. Lately I spend my time questioning God's plan for my life and wishing he would have done things my way instead of being grateful for the things I never thought would happen and how he's done incredible things.

Basically, I'm trying to tell myself to get over the things I can't change.. stop imagining my life in a different way. There is no sideways world.. this isn't LOST. God has a plan and I haven't trusted it up to this point.. maybe if I go willingly I will experience joy along the way.. who knows?

About me

Just some facts about mwah...

1. I'm not a social person. I don't like to be around a lot of people, in fact, I've been known to have panic attacks. I like to be around other people but am also a big homebody.

2. I'm not a hugger. Unless I'm really close to you and then I can be affectionate, otherwise, don't be surprised if I am awkward when you try to hug me.

3. I'm not a typical jewelry-loving girl. Most days I don't even wear my wedding set. I've always found it silly when women compare how big their rings are.. I can't even imagine spending that much money on an accessory. It's not a symbol of your love, even those with the biggest rings can get divorced. My great grandmother wore a simple gold band and had the kind of marriage to be envied.

4. I don't enjoy working out. But I do it because my family is plagued with illnesses and I refuse to live like that.

5. I think I will be a good mom, but I know Levi will be an even better dad. He's patient and kind and so much fun. Our kids will have the best dad, ever.

6. I can count my close friends on one hand. I don't understand people who go through friends like seasons. I don't make friends easily (see #1) but when I do, I'm the most loyal ally.

7. I like to pour myself into fiction.. Harry Potter, Twilight, and most recently, Grey's Anatomy. It takes me out of reality and puts me in a world of crazy ups and downs, where everything ultimately works out.

8. Marrying Levi was probably the best decision I've ever made. Being married to him has been the easiest and best 3 1/2 years of my life. I can't relate to people who have to adjust to being married and I hope it stays this way.

9. I don't like the beach. The sand and the salty water mixed with animals is creepy to me. I definitely don't like lakes.. just weird. I prefer big cities or Disney World.

10. I like to be liked. It's becoming a problem now that I'm a teacher because I want my students to like me so I slouch on the rules..

11. I have a tendency to be judgmental.. and I HATE this about myself. I've always wanted to push my convictions on everybody else. I think I'm getting better but still..