I don't know if most mom's feel this way at some point or if it's just me... but somewhere around Declan's first birthday, I started to become heartbroken over the way I thought others viewed him. He was our second child and not just that but our second boy. I felt there was already a disappointment in his existence because he wasn't a girl. The thought I kept getting was that everyone overlooked him because he was just another boy, therefore not special. Not to mention at this stage of life, he's just becoming a toddler, so he's more frustrated with his lack of communication skills but more adventurous. Canaan, our oldest, was in such a fun stage. He was talking so much and everything he was saying was so cute. I could definitely tell a preference from the people around me. Or so I thought.
Whatever was going on caused me to cling to my squishy boy harder than ever before. We've had a unique bond since his birth due to the health issues we both had and how he basically had to be attached to me for the first few months. Canaan continued to go to daycare, so for 16 weeks while I was on maternity leave, Sir Declan and I didn't get out of bed until lunch time and we literally just cuddled all day long. That's where the nicknames came from and the songs (yes, songs).
So, fast forward to several months later and it was absolutely heartbreaking to think people were overlooking him. I would cry to my best friend about it but I really wanted to scream at people who I thought were guilty. I was posting more pics of him on social media and got a comment from a family member that I needed to post more pics of Canaan. I don't think they meant anything by it but I took it to mean they were tired of seeing pictures of Declan. Whenever I had a chance I would speak things over him to make sure he knew that he is special and unique. Although, I'm pretty sure God made sure that everyone would know that whenever He created Declan to be so different from Canaan. He makes sure to stand out.
I think I've figured out at least one root of this fear. I have three brothers. One is older and two are younger. When my next to youngest brother was born, some family members made it clear that he wouldn't be as loved as me or my older brother. Absolutely cruel, isn't it? I don't know if it's an older generation type of thing but they said these types of things a lot and I learned a valuable lesson about the power of words at a young age. Anyway, eventually their actions didn't really match these words and they seemed to love him just as much, but I'm afraid the damage had been done. This brother was just not the same in their eyes and it broke my heart. My youngest brother was born and it was like an heir to the throne had come in to the world. I don't know what made the difference for them but he was treated like royalty.
The enemy has a funny way of instilling fear. He will take anything, absolutely any open door and fill the space with something fearful. I think of it like he's waving a fan over your life-- the fan has edges that get in to the crevices of your life to see if there's any room for fear or doubt and if so, that's a door he will go in and set up shop. It's hard to know where these open doors are for yourself, however, I'm learning that setting the foundation is so important. Pray over every area of your life and have a game plan for when fear strikes. Have go-to scriptures ready, like armor, and know how to use them. I don't want my fear over what others may or may not think of my little boy to cause me to speak things over him myself. The Lord has already said that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. Who am I to argue?
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Secret
For almost 14 weeks now, we've had a huge secret.. Baby #3 (or #5 as it is in my heart) is on the way! Hard to believe this blog began with the deep heartache of losing our first babies and the hope of starting a family to now being on our 3rd full pregnancy. God is so good!
It's been a long 14 weeks. We found out when we were just one week along. Of course there are people who know. Our family, life group and other prayer warriors are in the know. We hoped to not have to tell anyone but we had complications in the beginning and ended up needing my mother in law to come watch our boys so we could go to the doctor. I had 4 blood draws to check my levels and each time the doctor was not happy with the results. They weren't doubling like they needed to. Finally, our last blood draw I got the call that the number not only doubled but then some. We had so many people rallied around us praying their hearts out and God showed up big time. The doctor called me himself and said he had good news. Our 8 week ultrasound was a big moment too. Babe had grown so much. By 12 weeks, he/she was that much bigger. It has been amazing so far.
At 13 weeks, I started feeling baby move. How amazing is that? I think God knew I needed a little something to set this pregnancy apart. All day on Sunday, it was like a tennis ball was ping-ponging around. It was so sweet.
While a lot of people know, we won't make an official announcement until we find out the gender. But it's getting more difficult to hide!
8 Weeks
10 Weeks
12 Weeks
It's been a long 14 weeks. We found out when we were just one week along. Of course there are people who know. Our family, life group and other prayer warriors are in the know. We hoped to not have to tell anyone but we had complications in the beginning and ended up needing my mother in law to come watch our boys so we could go to the doctor. I had 4 blood draws to check my levels and each time the doctor was not happy with the results. They weren't doubling like they needed to. Finally, our last blood draw I got the call that the number not only doubled but then some. We had so many people rallied around us praying their hearts out and God showed up big time. The doctor called me himself and said he had good news. Our 8 week ultrasound was a big moment too. Babe had grown so much. By 12 weeks, he/she was that much bigger. It has been amazing so far.
At 13 weeks, I started feeling baby move. How amazing is that? I think God knew I needed a little something to set this pregnancy apart. All day on Sunday, it was like a tennis ball was ping-ponging around. It was so sweet.
While a lot of people know, we won't make an official announcement until we find out the gender. But it's getting more difficult to hide!
8 Weeks
10 Weeks
14 Weeks
14 Weeks (again)
Friday, January 15, 2016
Precious Memories
Edited: I wrote this blog almost a year ago. Mamaw was in the ICU, they said her brain had been without oxygen too long and there was no way she would come out of the unresponsive state she was in. But these doctors didn't know her. She was the strongest person I've ever known. Survived a house fire when she was a teenager and many many many health issues since. There were many times we thought "this is it" and each time she fought her way back. Biggest, most stubborn survivor, ever. This time was different. This time she didn't want to fight. For the past 3 months she only talked about how lonely and sad she was. "You just can't imagine" is what she would say. "You can't imagine losing your husband of 55 years". "I just want to talk to him. I want to see him." So I believe with all my heart that she set her heart and mind on it today and Jesus obliged.
January 15, 2016
Mamaw, you're not gone. I'm not going to act like you're gone because the fact is, you're still here. But, you don't have to be gone for me to honor you.
Not sure where the nickname "Presh" came from.. Mom said you stole it from her. Who knows.. but I know you've called me Presh my whole life. Just like Papaw has called me sweetheart.
One of my earliest memories is of Mark and I barricading the door and crying our little eyes out because we didn't want you and Papaw to leave. You lived just down the road and we were always with you but we never wanted you to leave.
Another early memory is staying at your house on Saturday nights before church. We had the sweetest bedtime routine of eating ribbon candy and looking at painted rocks. Every Sunday morning I would lay in your bed while you would get ready I would listen to the Southern Gospel music fill the house along with the smell of Papaw's coffee.
You sold Avon and had all of those little lipstick samples and sitting at your vanity was where I learned how to do makeup and best of all, how to apply it modestly so it didn't look I was wearing any.
When you moved to Wetumka, you had that adorable yellow house that you loved so much. It was there when we discovered that we loved eggs with velveeta cheese. We called them "eggs with cheese inside and out" because you would add cheese while cooking them but then top them with cheese too. At that house, you and Papaw really expanded your green thumb and created such a beautiful garden in the backyard. We would play cricket even though we had no idea what we were doing and you and Papaw would watch the hummingbirds.
Your house in Holdenville was fun too although my greatest memory there was when you and Papaw were fighting (and boy could you guys fight).. both so opinionated and stubborn! I got really upset and ran to your room and cried. When Papaw found me, he asked me what was wrong and I said I was really scared because I didn't want you to get divorced. Papaw laughed and hugged me. He said "we may fight like crazy but your mamaw is my sweetheart and there's nothing that will change that".
The tea party place. I had so much fun getting dressed up and having tea with you.
We moved to Arkansas when I was really young but you were never strangers. You visited all the time and stayed for long stretches. Whenever Mom had Michael and Morgan, you and Papaw stayed for several weeks each time. We shared a room when Morgan was born. I slept on the floor and you had my bed. In the mornings you would laugh telling me about what silly thing I said in my sleep the night before.
You came to Arkansas every Christmas and your car was always loaded to the max with presents. It made Christmas so much fun to open the trunk and car doors to see it so full.
Eventually you just moved to Arkansas because you wanted to be with us. It was about time :) You moved a block away. I think I was in the 5th or 6th grade because I remember when you had surgery to remove something they thought might be cancerous, and I was a nervous wreck all day until someone called to tell me that it was all good.
At your house you had a boys room and a girls room. You painted my room PINK. 3 walls were a pepto bismol pink with one dark pink accent wall. I seriously loved spending time in that room. It was there where I recorded every single episode of Full House and the new Mickey Mouse Club.
There for a while we would ride the bus to your house after school and stay till mom got home from work. You had the best snacks! Little Debbie cakes (specifically the wedding cakes and chocolate cakes) and Golden Grahams cereal. I would watch the Torkelsons every day and eat cereal. It was the best! You made the best pancakes (seriously, how did you do it? I've never been able to make them that good since). You bought all of my favorite foods. The over processed and amazing fettuccini alfredo in a bag, baked potatoes with velveeta, ramen noodles, Totinos pizza and cream soda. Yum!
Speaking of food, I wish I could go back to the mornings when papaw would take us to school and stop to get donuts on the way.
I took refuge at your house and in your bed more times than I can count. One time meant more than any other. Something terrible happened to me and your house was my safe place. It may have only been a block away from the incident but it felt like an island. You didn't comfort me with words but instead with warmth and love.
You were the unrecognized Wheel of Fortune champion. I so wish you would've had a chance to get on the show because you undoubtedly would've won. You watched it every single day. Along with the 700club.
You were at church every time the doors opened. You had such an amazing gift for interpreting tongues. Seriously, so cool. During the message, you would write messages to me (eye heart U)
We definitely had our rough moments too. Like the time you helped push me over the edge to become a Vegetarian by making deer hamburger.
Or the time I didn't speak to you for several months because you threw a fit and didn't show up to Mark's graduation. I remember seeing the look of hurt in your eyes and sound in your voice because I wouldn't talk to you.
You could be the most stubborn person. I am able to recognize now that trauma helps shape a person. You weren't mean but sometimes you could be hard and set in your ways.
You were in a house fire as a teenager/young adult and it left both physical and emotional scars.
You had two miscarriages and then lost an adult child in a tragic way. No parent should have to endure so much.
You had so many health problems. Honestly, there were so many times in junior high, high school and beyond when we thought we were losing you. We quickly learned that God used all of your traumatic events and turned you in to a fighter. And you trusted God through everything. We saw that first hand.
The past several years have been so hard to watch your body decline. It's not fair what you've had to go through with your legs. But one of my favorite, most recent memories was when we brought Canaan to see you for the first time. He was 3 months old. He was restless because we had been traveling but as soon as he was in your arms (and I mean it was that fast), he was sound asleep. No fuss, no rocking.. just asleep. I had to leave the room because it made me so emotional. I felt like even though he will never know you like I have, he got to experience your love first hand. It was special.
You Are SO Strong! I don't know if you feel like fighting this time, and honestly I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. It breaks my heart that my kids won't know you the way I do. But I have my memories and the greatest peace of all knowing that you are so close to seeing your Jesus, your babies, our babies and your son.
January 15, 2016
Mamaw, you're not gone. I'm not going to act like you're gone because the fact is, you're still here. But, you don't have to be gone for me to honor you.
Not sure where the nickname "Presh" came from.. Mom said you stole it from her. Who knows.. but I know you've called me Presh my whole life. Just like Papaw has called me sweetheart.
One of my earliest memories is of Mark and I barricading the door and crying our little eyes out because we didn't want you and Papaw to leave. You lived just down the road and we were always with you but we never wanted you to leave.
Another early memory is staying at your house on Saturday nights before church. We had the sweetest bedtime routine of eating ribbon candy and looking at painted rocks. Every Sunday morning I would lay in your bed while you would get ready I would listen to the Southern Gospel music fill the house along with the smell of Papaw's coffee.
You sold Avon and had all of those little lipstick samples and sitting at your vanity was where I learned how to do makeup and best of all, how to apply it modestly so it didn't look I was wearing any.
When you moved to Wetumka, you had that adorable yellow house that you loved so much. It was there when we discovered that we loved eggs with velveeta cheese. We called them "eggs with cheese inside and out" because you would add cheese while cooking them but then top them with cheese too. At that house, you and Papaw really expanded your green thumb and created such a beautiful garden in the backyard. We would play cricket even though we had no idea what we were doing and you and Papaw would watch the hummingbirds.
Your house in Holdenville was fun too although my greatest memory there was when you and Papaw were fighting (and boy could you guys fight).. both so opinionated and stubborn! I got really upset and ran to your room and cried. When Papaw found me, he asked me what was wrong and I said I was really scared because I didn't want you to get divorced. Papaw laughed and hugged me. He said "we may fight like crazy but your mamaw is my sweetheart and there's nothing that will change that".
The tea party place. I had so much fun getting dressed up and having tea with you.
We moved to Arkansas when I was really young but you were never strangers. You visited all the time and stayed for long stretches. Whenever Mom had Michael and Morgan, you and Papaw stayed for several weeks each time. We shared a room when Morgan was born. I slept on the floor and you had my bed. In the mornings you would laugh telling me about what silly thing I said in my sleep the night before.
You came to Arkansas every Christmas and your car was always loaded to the max with presents. It made Christmas so much fun to open the trunk and car doors to see it so full.
At your house you had a boys room and a girls room. You painted my room PINK. 3 walls were a pepto bismol pink with one dark pink accent wall. I seriously loved spending time in that room. It was there where I recorded every single episode of Full House and the new Mickey Mouse Club.
There for a while we would ride the bus to your house after school and stay till mom got home from work. You had the best snacks! Little Debbie cakes (specifically the wedding cakes and chocolate cakes) and Golden Grahams cereal. I would watch the Torkelsons every day and eat cereal. It was the best! You made the best pancakes (seriously, how did you do it? I've never been able to make them that good since). You bought all of my favorite foods. The over processed and amazing fettuccini alfredo in a bag, baked potatoes with velveeta, ramen noodles, Totinos pizza and cream soda. Yum!
Speaking of food, I wish I could go back to the mornings when papaw would take us to school and stop to get donuts on the way.
I took refuge at your house and in your bed more times than I can count. One time meant more than any other. Something terrible happened to me and your house was my safe place. It may have only been a block away from the incident but it felt like an island. You didn't comfort me with words but instead with warmth and love.
You were the unrecognized Wheel of Fortune champion. I so wish you would've had a chance to get on the show because you undoubtedly would've won. You watched it every single day. Along with the 700club.
You were at church every time the doors opened. You had such an amazing gift for interpreting tongues. Seriously, so cool. During the message, you would write messages to me (eye heart U)
We definitely had our rough moments too. Like the time you helped push me over the edge to become a Vegetarian by making deer hamburger.
Or the time I didn't speak to you for several months because you threw a fit and didn't show up to Mark's graduation. I remember seeing the look of hurt in your eyes and sound in your voice because I wouldn't talk to you.
You could be the most stubborn person. I am able to recognize now that trauma helps shape a person. You weren't mean but sometimes you could be hard and set in your ways.
You were in a house fire as a teenager/young adult and it left both physical and emotional scars.
You had two miscarriages and then lost an adult child in a tragic way. No parent should have to endure so much.
You had so many health problems. Honestly, there were so many times in junior high, high school and beyond when we thought we were losing you. We quickly learned that God used all of your traumatic events and turned you in to a fighter. And you trusted God through everything. We saw that first hand.
The past several years have been so hard to watch your body decline. It's not fair what you've had to go through with your legs. But one of my favorite, most recent memories was when we brought Canaan to see you for the first time. He was 3 months old. He was restless because we had been traveling but as soon as he was in your arms (and I mean it was that fast), he was sound asleep. No fuss, no rocking.. just asleep. I had to leave the room because it made me so emotional. I felt like even though he will never know you like I have, he got to experience your love first hand. It was special.
You Are SO Strong! I don't know if you feel like fighting this time, and honestly I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. It breaks my heart that my kids won't know you the way I do. But I have my memories and the greatest peace of all knowing that you are so close to seeing your Jesus, your babies, our babies and your son.
Friday, January 1, 2016
New Years obligatory post
I feel a little even typing a New Years resolution type post. I haven't made resolutions in a long time.. well, not out loud any way. They're always the same.. Lose weight, be more intentional, work out more, spend more time with Jesus. Those are all good resolutions but guess what.. I, like everyone else, quit. I'm a quitter.
Instead of resolutions, the past few years we have done vision boards. They aren't necessarily spiritual, however ours is heavily spiritual. We pray for wisdom from the Lord and write down what He reveals to us. As we pray and believe for these things, we see the faithfulness of God revealed as we check them off.
Of course, if I were to make a resolution it would be to get on track and be healthy. More than that, to be consistent and intentional with the things I know I have to do to be well. I'm so sick of giving up. I need to give up on something though..
I give up on fear. It's exhausting. I'm tired of worrying about everything I eat. Sugar is dangerous and will make you have cancer. Carbs are bad for your heart. Bacon will kill you. I don't eat bacon so I don't care about that.. but you get the point. Sugar and processed foods are bad for you, no doubt about it... and I definitely will work on eliminating them as much as possible, but the guilt that comes with eating any little bit has got to go. The enemy has got to go. He knows the way to make me fearful and I'm done giving in.
I don't need to watch any more documentaries. I don't need to be reminded of how bad certain things are and how much I need good food. I need to give it away and place blame where it's due. Sure, I put the fork in my own mouth but the guilt and the condemnation comes from the enemy and he has got to flee.
So this year is about focus, consistency and being intentional. My whole life, whenever something has been too difficult or involved, I quit.. but I'm done. I'm done placing the blame on my family or circumstances too. Praying specific prayers will help accomplish this task. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.
Instead of resolutions, the past few years we have done vision boards. They aren't necessarily spiritual, however ours is heavily spiritual. We pray for wisdom from the Lord and write down what He reveals to us. As we pray and believe for these things, we see the faithfulness of God revealed as we check them off.
Of course, if I were to make a resolution it would be to get on track and be healthy. More than that, to be consistent and intentional with the things I know I have to do to be well. I'm so sick of giving up. I need to give up on something though..
I give up on fear. It's exhausting. I'm tired of worrying about everything I eat. Sugar is dangerous and will make you have cancer. Carbs are bad for your heart. Bacon will kill you. I don't eat bacon so I don't care about that.. but you get the point. Sugar and processed foods are bad for you, no doubt about it... and I definitely will work on eliminating them as much as possible, but the guilt that comes with eating any little bit has got to go. The enemy has got to go. He knows the way to make me fearful and I'm done giving in.
I don't need to watch any more documentaries. I don't need to be reminded of how bad certain things are and how much I need good food. I need to give it away and place blame where it's due. Sure, I put the fork in my own mouth but the guilt and the condemnation comes from the enemy and he has got to flee.
So this year is about focus, consistency and being intentional. My whole life, whenever something has been too difficult or involved, I quit.. but I'm done. I'm done placing the blame on my family or circumstances too. Praying specific prayers will help accomplish this task. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.
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