It dawned on me that I still haven't blogged about Everly's arrival! I wrote about it on Facebook, but you can't really go in to detail on there and expect people to read it.. here, it doesn't matter if anyone reads it, but I can have it to look back on.
It was the last day of September that I wanted a baby to be born.. September 11. For a week I had been trying every induction technique I was comfortable with.. acupressure, oils, walking, squats, etc.. she wasn't budging. By the 11th, I was 39 weeks and 5 days and extremely thankful. It was the furthest I had been in any pregnancy. My blood pressure and overall health had allowed me to carry her the furthest, but come on, 39 weeks is enough. I was getting miserable. Beyond, actually.
It was a Sunday. My mother in law was in town staying with us because we couldn't exactly call someone when it gets close and expect them to be here on time to be with our other kids. She lives an hour away as it is. So, she set up camp almost a week before and was waiting it out with us. My father in law had just left that morning. I was uncomfortable, go figure. I was having some cramps, menstrual type cramps, and those are really annoying. It didn't hurt too bad, but I was curious about my progress. I hadn't been to the doctor since Tuesday and at my appointment he said I was at a 2-3 and 90% effaced. I was so pumped because those are pretty good numbers and with all of the effort I was putting in to inducing naturally, he and I were both sure that she would be here before the weekend. That was the plan anyway, because he was going out of town that weekend and we both really wanted him to deliver her. Side note: Dr. Ward is THE most amazing doctor. I could write a short book about how awesome he has been in our 4 pregnancies and the past almost 7 years we have known him. He was the only doctor I wanted in the delivery room.
So, here we are on Sunday, the 11th. More curious than anything, I use these cramps as an excuse to go to triage at L&D to get checked. I tell the nurses that I am cramping and not sure if it's labor or not and just want to know where I'm at. The nurse checks me (OUCH!!- also makes me realize how awesome my doctor is.. and GENTLE). I'm at a 1-2 and about 80% effaced, she says... WHAT?! How did I go backwards? She explains that my doctor was being "generous". They hook me up to machines, blood pressure, heart monitor, contractions... they wiggle it around and find baby girl's heart beat, it's perfect but it's not low enough to make them think she's coming out anytime soon. I'm not having contractions.. bummer. They're kind and eventually call them contractions to make me feel better but they explain that they aren't regular by any stretch and I'm looking at a few days left in their experience. But, the blood pressure is high... of course. They almost keep me for good because of it but ultimately after monitoring us for an hour and then checking me again (thankfully, they pull Lisa in-- sweet sweet lady who also happens to be gentle), they tell me I haven't changed at all, no progression... so they give me a pain pill (just one.. don't they know the pain will get worse, not better... give me more) and send me on my way.
It's about 2pm when we get home. Disappointed at my lack of progress (regression, in my mind), we go down for a nap while the boys are sleeping. I take the pain pill and it helps with the cramps, and I put the heating pad on for extra comfort. I probably sleep for about 45 minutes, but it's not good sleep.. more like resting. I lay around some more and then at 5:30, it hits. And when I say it hits, I mean, it literally comes out of nowhere. The "cramping" that I was feeling was like someone was brushing me with a feather... compared to this. I suddenly feel like I'm being split in two. WHAT THE? I start texting my friend and PCP, Nichole, and she recommends taking a bath. So, I manage to creep in to the bathroom, about 5 feet away and start some water.
Enter, sweet Declan. I am moaning and by this point, I've started crying, and he crawls in my lap saying "mama, you hurt?" (sounds like "hut" making it even sweeter) It's the only thing that takes away even a little pain and provides a sweet distraction.. I tell myself to remember this moment with my wild child who came out of nowhere to comfort his mama. Levi is still laying around, completely oblivious to what's going on. My mother in law comes in asking if I need anything, she mentions some ideas to help but I honestly can't even hear her.. the pain is getting worse, which is unimaginable because each one feels like the worst thing I've ever felt in my life.
I finally call it. I have to get to the hospital. This pain pill didn't work and they have to put me out of my misery. I don't care how it happens. I am obviously the biggest baby in the world and can't handle these pains that they have told me aren't even labor pains. I was told to expect contractions higher up on my belly and I'm not feeling anything there.. only low menstrual type cramps that feel like I'm literally being cut in half.. therefore, I'm not in labor, I'm just a big freakin baby. Whatever the case may be, I admit my defeat and I want drugs. There's no way I can handle a natural labor like I've been praying for, either.. that is so out of the question and I don't even care now.
I walk over to tell Levi and I feel a little pop. hmm.. it's not what I would think of as my water breaking because I didn't feel anything.. well, maybe a little, but not a gush. You would think this was my first baby.. it's definitely my first in a lot of ways. With the boys, I was induced and never felt a single contraction. I tell Levi he has to take me to the hospital because I can't handle it.. I must have a good poker face because he acts like it's just any other day. He takes his time walking around the house trying to figure out what he should bring with us... I tell him I don't care, we just need to GO. I am already outside pounding my fist on the car.. in pain.. Lori, his mom, asks if I need towels for the car.. I seriously didn't see the point.. TELL YOUR SON TO GET OUT HERE. Guys, I can't stress enough.. all of the signs were there but I didn't know it.. If I had tried, I could've had that baby right there!
We get in the car and I can't even sit down. I am stretched across the Sequoia like a Christmas tree (that's the only thing that came to mind) I think now that it was a way of trying to hold her in, it was clear later during delivery.. and Levi is driving the speed limit, probably less. We get to the end of the next street and I slam my hands on the emergency lights.. all while saying some not so nice things under my breath (not about Levi, about the pain). But, it's 6 o'clock on a Sunday.. there is traffic. UGH. We get to the hospital and I don't know how I can get out of the car, much less put my feet on the ground, much less walk. SO MUCH PAIN. I cry myself to the elevator and to the L&D, again. It's the same ladies from before. They see me and say "oh, you're back"... and then "OH..... " when seeing my painful expressions and movement... "but, you were just here.. there's no way" they said a few times.. I'm like, I get it.. I'm probably not in labor, but something is going on and I can't handle it.. I'm obviously not made for this.
One of the nurses casually walks us to the triage area, the only thing I can think is that she's trying to get me to calm by showing me that she was in no hurry... It was really just making me mad. She tells me I need to get back in the hospital gown, so I tell her I feel like I need to go to the bathroom. She says I should do that first or the checking part will hurt more.. I go to the bathroom and that's when I realize it might be go-time. There's pressure but nothing is happening. I go back out and it's like the exorcist trying to get on that table and in to the gown.. I am stretched out across that bed, practically crawling up the wall at this point while they are trying to get me semi still so she can check me. She does and quickly takes off her glove and is almost running as she says "you're gonna have this baby now". I'm relieved and terrified.
Thankfully, there is little to no action in the hospital right now.. because it is all hands on deck. There is one room that was just cleaned but it's not stocked. They wheel me towards it... I'm still not lying down on the bed.. it's more of a kneeling while trying to spread myself out while Levi and the nurse are holding on to me.. They wheel me towards the wrong room.. the room across the hall is more ready, whatever that means. I think there are about 7 nurses trying to get everything ready.. the doctor isn't there either. One of the nurses from earlier, Lisa, said she got permission to deliver if the doctor isn't there in time, but they said she is hurrying. I tell her it's not a problem, I don't want to do it anyway..haha. I ask for drugs and they say there's just no time. Baby girl is literally. right. there. I realize I am really good at holding that baby in.. I've been doing it for the last 45 minutes. People say you feel a pressure to push.. I say the fear of what it feels like is great enough to combat that pressure!
Once in the room, nurses are zooming around trying to get the equipment in, trying to get bracelets ready, trying to get the baby stuff ready.. trying.. meanwhile, two nurses have assigned themselves to me... one is literally rocking me every time a contraction hits and the other is comforting me by helping with my hair, encouraging me, etc.. I'm surprised I didn't snap poor Lisa in half (one rocking me), I was trying not to beat on her with my fists. They have to keep telling me to breathe... to which I then yell for my Lavender oil.. it's the only oil I have with me. I had several packed, along with a playlist (we played worship music with the others), this time, I don't think I could've heard it if I had it blasting. I take that Lavender and I practically sniff the lid off.. I am breathing it in like it's my job. I start to loosen up a bit.. until the next contraction and then SNIFF. I'm practically eating my hands too because I have poured it on them. They're laughing at me by this point..
Doctor rushes in and gets in her sanitary garb. No time for pleasantries.. they put me on my back and I push.. I stop what feels like mid way.. "I don't want to do this" (yes, I said that). The doctor and nurse both say "she's here.. just have to push her shoulders out" as they pull up her head a little for me to see they're not just saying it. I tell myself I can breathe again in just one push. Thank God I'm a good baby pusher-outer.. cause that mess is the worst. She's out, they lay her on my chest and I take her in all while in complete shock of what just happened. We start to rest a little as the doc finishes up and we look at this beauty..
At this point, more nurses are coming in to get our bracelets on us.. we still aren't officially checked in! (things were so crazy, they actually gave us the wrong bracelets at first.. it was remedied before Everly even left the room)
At this point, Everly is with her nurse and the apgar, footprints, etc are being administered.. Levi calls his mom and after a few seconds I hear him say "do you hear that?" and I can hear his mom say "IS THAT HER?" I imagine how crazy that would be to be her and literally just have us leave when she was still in my belly. I start to text my family and I tell them we were there for less than 30 minutes. They are upset that they missed it. I can understand but I can't fully explain how quickly it happened. Looking back at texts, I gather that my labor + delivery, from start to finish, was an hour!! Not to mention, I didn't know I was in labor till we got to the hospital.. which I thought was about 30 minutes because it felt like an eternity.. then a nurse comes in and said we walked in the hospital THIRTEEN minutes before she was born. 13 minutes! The nurses say I was made to have babies (I was told that with Declan, too). However, if we have another, I may have to camp out at the hospital if I don't want a home birth.
It was such a whirlwind.. some of it I am still processing. It is true what they say about birth getting shorter each time. Canaan was 5 hours (start to finish, I was induced with him and at a 0 station). Declan was less than 3 hours with 5-7 minutes of pushing (induced again, at a 1 and 70%). Everly was ONE hour and pushed less than 5 minutes (I say I pushed 1.5 times..haha). This is why we say 3 babies may be just perfect for us!
This is also a testimony to the goodness of God and how he gives us the desires of our heart. We prayed early on for a natural delivery that was fast and easy. Because of the complications that I experienced for a long time after delivering Declan (epidural), I really wanted to avoid an epidural this time.. and with quick labors, I thought maybe I could handle it. I should've been more specific about praying for less pain.
Thursday, June 22, 2017
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
A soft spot for Declan
I don't know if most mom's feel this way at some point or if it's just me... but somewhere around Declan's first birthday, I started to become heartbroken over the way I thought others viewed him. He was our second child and not just that but our second boy. I felt there was already a disappointment in his existence because he wasn't a girl. The thought I kept getting was that everyone overlooked him because he was just another boy, therefore not special. Not to mention at this stage of life, he's just becoming a toddler, so he's more frustrated with his lack of communication skills but more adventurous. Canaan, our oldest, was in such a fun stage. He was talking so much and everything he was saying was so cute. I could definitely tell a preference from the people around me. Or so I thought.
Whatever was going on caused me to cling to my squishy boy harder than ever before. We've had a unique bond since his birth due to the health issues we both had and how he basically had to be attached to me for the first few months. Canaan continued to go to daycare, so for 16 weeks while I was on maternity leave, Sir Declan and I didn't get out of bed until lunch time and we literally just cuddled all day long. That's where the nicknames came from and the songs (yes, songs).
So, fast forward to several months later and it was absolutely heartbreaking to think people were overlooking him. I would cry to my best friend about it but I really wanted to scream at people who I thought were guilty. I was posting more pics of him on social media and got a comment from a family member that I needed to post more pics of Canaan. I don't think they meant anything by it but I took it to mean they were tired of seeing pictures of Declan. Whenever I had a chance I would speak things over him to make sure he knew that he is special and unique. Although, I'm pretty sure God made sure that everyone would know that whenever He created Declan to be so different from Canaan. He makes sure to stand out.
I think I've figured out at least one root of this fear. I have three brothers. One is older and two are younger. When my next to youngest brother was born, some family members made it clear that he wouldn't be as loved as me or my older brother. Absolutely cruel, isn't it? I don't know if it's an older generation type of thing but they said these types of things a lot and I learned a valuable lesson about the power of words at a young age. Anyway, eventually their actions didn't really match these words and they seemed to love him just as much, but I'm afraid the damage had been done. This brother was just not the same in their eyes and it broke my heart. My youngest brother was born and it was like an heir to the throne had come in to the world. I don't know what made the difference for them but he was treated like royalty.
The enemy has a funny way of instilling fear. He will take anything, absolutely any open door and fill the space with something fearful. I think of it like he's waving a fan over your life-- the fan has edges that get in to the crevices of your life to see if there's any room for fear or doubt and if so, that's a door he will go in and set up shop. It's hard to know where these open doors are for yourself, however, I'm learning that setting the foundation is so important. Pray over every area of your life and have a game plan for when fear strikes. Have go-to scriptures ready, like armor, and know how to use them. I don't want my fear over what others may or may not think of my little boy to cause me to speak things over him myself. The Lord has already said that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. Who am I to argue?
Whatever was going on caused me to cling to my squishy boy harder than ever before. We've had a unique bond since his birth due to the health issues we both had and how he basically had to be attached to me for the first few months. Canaan continued to go to daycare, so for 16 weeks while I was on maternity leave, Sir Declan and I didn't get out of bed until lunch time and we literally just cuddled all day long. That's where the nicknames came from and the songs (yes, songs).
So, fast forward to several months later and it was absolutely heartbreaking to think people were overlooking him. I would cry to my best friend about it but I really wanted to scream at people who I thought were guilty. I was posting more pics of him on social media and got a comment from a family member that I needed to post more pics of Canaan. I don't think they meant anything by it but I took it to mean they were tired of seeing pictures of Declan. Whenever I had a chance I would speak things over him to make sure he knew that he is special and unique. Although, I'm pretty sure God made sure that everyone would know that whenever He created Declan to be so different from Canaan. He makes sure to stand out.
I think I've figured out at least one root of this fear. I have three brothers. One is older and two are younger. When my next to youngest brother was born, some family members made it clear that he wouldn't be as loved as me or my older brother. Absolutely cruel, isn't it? I don't know if it's an older generation type of thing but they said these types of things a lot and I learned a valuable lesson about the power of words at a young age. Anyway, eventually their actions didn't really match these words and they seemed to love him just as much, but I'm afraid the damage had been done. This brother was just not the same in their eyes and it broke my heart. My youngest brother was born and it was like an heir to the throne had come in to the world. I don't know what made the difference for them but he was treated like royalty.
The enemy has a funny way of instilling fear. He will take anything, absolutely any open door and fill the space with something fearful. I think of it like he's waving a fan over your life-- the fan has edges that get in to the crevices of your life to see if there's any room for fear or doubt and if so, that's a door he will go in and set up shop. It's hard to know where these open doors are for yourself, however, I'm learning that setting the foundation is so important. Pray over every area of your life and have a game plan for when fear strikes. Have go-to scriptures ready, like armor, and know how to use them. I don't want my fear over what others may or may not think of my little boy to cause me to speak things over him myself. The Lord has already said that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. Who am I to argue?
Thursday, March 17, 2016
Secret
For almost 14 weeks now, we've had a huge secret.. Baby #3 (or #5 as it is in my heart) is on the way! Hard to believe this blog began with the deep heartache of losing our first babies and the hope of starting a family to now being on our 3rd full pregnancy. God is so good!
It's been a long 14 weeks. We found out when we were just one week along. Of course there are people who know. Our family, life group and other prayer warriors are in the know. We hoped to not have to tell anyone but we had complications in the beginning and ended up needing my mother in law to come watch our boys so we could go to the doctor. I had 4 blood draws to check my levels and each time the doctor was not happy with the results. They weren't doubling like they needed to. Finally, our last blood draw I got the call that the number not only doubled but then some. We had so many people rallied around us praying their hearts out and God showed up big time. The doctor called me himself and said he had good news. Our 8 week ultrasound was a big moment too. Babe had grown so much. By 12 weeks, he/she was that much bigger. It has been amazing so far.
At 13 weeks, I started feeling baby move. How amazing is that? I think God knew I needed a little something to set this pregnancy apart. All day on Sunday, it was like a tennis ball was ping-ponging around. It was so sweet.
While a lot of people know, we won't make an official announcement until we find out the gender. But it's getting more difficult to hide!
8 Weeks
10 Weeks
12 Weeks
It's been a long 14 weeks. We found out when we were just one week along. Of course there are people who know. Our family, life group and other prayer warriors are in the know. We hoped to not have to tell anyone but we had complications in the beginning and ended up needing my mother in law to come watch our boys so we could go to the doctor. I had 4 blood draws to check my levels and each time the doctor was not happy with the results. They weren't doubling like they needed to. Finally, our last blood draw I got the call that the number not only doubled but then some. We had so many people rallied around us praying their hearts out and God showed up big time. The doctor called me himself and said he had good news. Our 8 week ultrasound was a big moment too. Babe had grown so much. By 12 weeks, he/she was that much bigger. It has been amazing so far.
At 13 weeks, I started feeling baby move. How amazing is that? I think God knew I needed a little something to set this pregnancy apart. All day on Sunday, it was like a tennis ball was ping-ponging around. It was so sweet.
While a lot of people know, we won't make an official announcement until we find out the gender. But it's getting more difficult to hide!
8 Weeks
10 Weeks
14 Weeks
14 Weeks (again)
Friday, January 15, 2016
Precious Memories
Edited: I wrote this blog almost a year ago. Mamaw was in the ICU, they said her brain had been without oxygen too long and there was no way she would come out of the unresponsive state she was in. But these doctors didn't know her. She was the strongest person I've ever known. Survived a house fire when she was a teenager and many many many health issues since. There were many times we thought "this is it" and each time she fought her way back. Biggest, most stubborn survivor, ever. This time was different. This time she didn't want to fight. For the past 3 months she only talked about how lonely and sad she was. "You just can't imagine" is what she would say. "You can't imagine losing your husband of 55 years". "I just want to talk to him. I want to see him." So I believe with all my heart that she set her heart and mind on it today and Jesus obliged.
January 15, 2016
Mamaw, you're not gone. I'm not going to act like you're gone because the fact is, you're still here. But, you don't have to be gone for me to honor you.
Not sure where the nickname "Presh" came from.. Mom said you stole it from her. Who knows.. but I know you've called me Presh my whole life. Just like Papaw has called me sweetheart.
One of my earliest memories is of Mark and I barricading the door and crying our little eyes out because we didn't want you and Papaw to leave. You lived just down the road and we were always with you but we never wanted you to leave.
Another early memory is staying at your house on Saturday nights before church. We had the sweetest bedtime routine of eating ribbon candy and looking at painted rocks. Every Sunday morning I would lay in your bed while you would get ready I would listen to the Southern Gospel music fill the house along with the smell of Papaw's coffee.
You sold Avon and had all of those little lipstick samples and sitting at your vanity was where I learned how to do makeup and best of all, how to apply it modestly so it didn't look I was wearing any.
When you moved to Wetumka, you had that adorable yellow house that you loved so much. It was there when we discovered that we loved eggs with velveeta cheese. We called them "eggs with cheese inside and out" because you would add cheese while cooking them but then top them with cheese too. At that house, you and Papaw really expanded your green thumb and created such a beautiful garden in the backyard. We would play cricket even though we had no idea what we were doing and you and Papaw would watch the hummingbirds.
Your house in Holdenville was fun too although my greatest memory there was when you and Papaw were fighting (and boy could you guys fight).. both so opinionated and stubborn! I got really upset and ran to your room and cried. When Papaw found me, he asked me what was wrong and I said I was really scared because I didn't want you to get divorced. Papaw laughed and hugged me. He said "we may fight like crazy but your mamaw is my sweetheart and there's nothing that will change that".
The tea party place. I had so much fun getting dressed up and having tea with you.
We moved to Arkansas when I was really young but you were never strangers. You visited all the time and stayed for long stretches. Whenever Mom had Michael and Morgan, you and Papaw stayed for several weeks each time. We shared a room when Morgan was born. I slept on the floor and you had my bed. In the mornings you would laugh telling me about what silly thing I said in my sleep the night before.
You came to Arkansas every Christmas and your car was always loaded to the max with presents. It made Christmas so much fun to open the trunk and car doors to see it so full.
Eventually you just moved to Arkansas because you wanted to be with us. It was about time :) You moved a block away. I think I was in the 5th or 6th grade because I remember when you had surgery to remove something they thought might be cancerous, and I was a nervous wreck all day until someone called to tell me that it was all good.
At your house you had a boys room and a girls room. You painted my room PINK. 3 walls were a pepto bismol pink with one dark pink accent wall. I seriously loved spending time in that room. It was there where I recorded every single episode of Full House and the new Mickey Mouse Club.
There for a while we would ride the bus to your house after school and stay till mom got home from work. You had the best snacks! Little Debbie cakes (specifically the wedding cakes and chocolate cakes) and Golden Grahams cereal. I would watch the Torkelsons every day and eat cereal. It was the best! You made the best pancakes (seriously, how did you do it? I've never been able to make them that good since). You bought all of my favorite foods. The over processed and amazing fettuccini alfredo in a bag, baked potatoes with velveeta, ramen noodles, Totinos pizza and cream soda. Yum!
Speaking of food, I wish I could go back to the mornings when papaw would take us to school and stop to get donuts on the way.
I took refuge at your house and in your bed more times than I can count. One time meant more than any other. Something terrible happened to me and your house was my safe place. It may have only been a block away from the incident but it felt like an island. You didn't comfort me with words but instead with warmth and love.
You were the unrecognized Wheel of Fortune champion. I so wish you would've had a chance to get on the show because you undoubtedly would've won. You watched it every single day. Along with the 700club.
You were at church every time the doors opened. You had such an amazing gift for interpreting tongues. Seriously, so cool. During the message, you would write messages to me (eye heart U)
We definitely had our rough moments too. Like the time you helped push me over the edge to become a Vegetarian by making deer hamburger.
Or the time I didn't speak to you for several months because you threw a fit and didn't show up to Mark's graduation. I remember seeing the look of hurt in your eyes and sound in your voice because I wouldn't talk to you.
You could be the most stubborn person. I am able to recognize now that trauma helps shape a person. You weren't mean but sometimes you could be hard and set in your ways.
You were in a house fire as a teenager/young adult and it left both physical and emotional scars.
You had two miscarriages and then lost an adult child in a tragic way. No parent should have to endure so much.
You had so many health problems. Honestly, there were so many times in junior high, high school and beyond when we thought we were losing you. We quickly learned that God used all of your traumatic events and turned you in to a fighter. And you trusted God through everything. We saw that first hand.
The past several years have been so hard to watch your body decline. It's not fair what you've had to go through with your legs. But one of my favorite, most recent memories was when we brought Canaan to see you for the first time. He was 3 months old. He was restless because we had been traveling but as soon as he was in your arms (and I mean it was that fast), he was sound asleep. No fuss, no rocking.. just asleep. I had to leave the room because it made me so emotional. I felt like even though he will never know you like I have, he got to experience your love first hand. It was special.
You Are SO Strong! I don't know if you feel like fighting this time, and honestly I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. It breaks my heart that my kids won't know you the way I do. But I have my memories and the greatest peace of all knowing that you are so close to seeing your Jesus, your babies, our babies and your son.
January 15, 2016
Mamaw, you're not gone. I'm not going to act like you're gone because the fact is, you're still here. But, you don't have to be gone for me to honor you.
Not sure where the nickname "Presh" came from.. Mom said you stole it from her. Who knows.. but I know you've called me Presh my whole life. Just like Papaw has called me sweetheart.
One of my earliest memories is of Mark and I barricading the door and crying our little eyes out because we didn't want you and Papaw to leave. You lived just down the road and we were always with you but we never wanted you to leave.
Another early memory is staying at your house on Saturday nights before church. We had the sweetest bedtime routine of eating ribbon candy and looking at painted rocks. Every Sunday morning I would lay in your bed while you would get ready I would listen to the Southern Gospel music fill the house along with the smell of Papaw's coffee.
You sold Avon and had all of those little lipstick samples and sitting at your vanity was where I learned how to do makeup and best of all, how to apply it modestly so it didn't look I was wearing any.
When you moved to Wetumka, you had that adorable yellow house that you loved so much. It was there when we discovered that we loved eggs with velveeta cheese. We called them "eggs with cheese inside and out" because you would add cheese while cooking them but then top them with cheese too. At that house, you and Papaw really expanded your green thumb and created such a beautiful garden in the backyard. We would play cricket even though we had no idea what we were doing and you and Papaw would watch the hummingbirds.
Your house in Holdenville was fun too although my greatest memory there was when you and Papaw were fighting (and boy could you guys fight).. both so opinionated and stubborn! I got really upset and ran to your room and cried. When Papaw found me, he asked me what was wrong and I said I was really scared because I didn't want you to get divorced. Papaw laughed and hugged me. He said "we may fight like crazy but your mamaw is my sweetheart and there's nothing that will change that".
The tea party place. I had so much fun getting dressed up and having tea with you.
We moved to Arkansas when I was really young but you were never strangers. You visited all the time and stayed for long stretches. Whenever Mom had Michael and Morgan, you and Papaw stayed for several weeks each time. We shared a room when Morgan was born. I slept on the floor and you had my bed. In the mornings you would laugh telling me about what silly thing I said in my sleep the night before.
You came to Arkansas every Christmas and your car was always loaded to the max with presents. It made Christmas so much fun to open the trunk and car doors to see it so full.
At your house you had a boys room and a girls room. You painted my room PINK. 3 walls were a pepto bismol pink with one dark pink accent wall. I seriously loved spending time in that room. It was there where I recorded every single episode of Full House and the new Mickey Mouse Club.
There for a while we would ride the bus to your house after school and stay till mom got home from work. You had the best snacks! Little Debbie cakes (specifically the wedding cakes and chocolate cakes) and Golden Grahams cereal. I would watch the Torkelsons every day and eat cereal. It was the best! You made the best pancakes (seriously, how did you do it? I've never been able to make them that good since). You bought all of my favorite foods. The over processed and amazing fettuccini alfredo in a bag, baked potatoes with velveeta, ramen noodles, Totinos pizza and cream soda. Yum!
Speaking of food, I wish I could go back to the mornings when papaw would take us to school and stop to get donuts on the way.
I took refuge at your house and in your bed more times than I can count. One time meant more than any other. Something terrible happened to me and your house was my safe place. It may have only been a block away from the incident but it felt like an island. You didn't comfort me with words but instead with warmth and love.
You were the unrecognized Wheel of Fortune champion. I so wish you would've had a chance to get on the show because you undoubtedly would've won. You watched it every single day. Along with the 700club.
You were at church every time the doors opened. You had such an amazing gift for interpreting tongues. Seriously, so cool. During the message, you would write messages to me (eye heart U)
We definitely had our rough moments too. Like the time you helped push me over the edge to become a Vegetarian by making deer hamburger.
Or the time I didn't speak to you for several months because you threw a fit and didn't show up to Mark's graduation. I remember seeing the look of hurt in your eyes and sound in your voice because I wouldn't talk to you.
You could be the most stubborn person. I am able to recognize now that trauma helps shape a person. You weren't mean but sometimes you could be hard and set in your ways.
You were in a house fire as a teenager/young adult and it left both physical and emotional scars.
You had two miscarriages and then lost an adult child in a tragic way. No parent should have to endure so much.
You had so many health problems. Honestly, there were so many times in junior high, high school and beyond when we thought we were losing you. We quickly learned that God used all of your traumatic events and turned you in to a fighter. And you trusted God through everything. We saw that first hand.
The past several years have been so hard to watch your body decline. It's not fair what you've had to go through with your legs. But one of my favorite, most recent memories was when we brought Canaan to see you for the first time. He was 3 months old. He was restless because we had been traveling but as soon as he was in your arms (and I mean it was that fast), he was sound asleep. No fuss, no rocking.. just asleep. I had to leave the room because it made me so emotional. I felt like even though he will never know you like I have, he got to experience your love first hand. It was special.
You Are SO Strong! I don't know if you feel like fighting this time, and honestly I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. It breaks my heart that my kids won't know you the way I do. But I have my memories and the greatest peace of all knowing that you are so close to seeing your Jesus, your babies, our babies and your son.
Friday, January 1, 2016
New Years obligatory post
I feel a little even typing a New Years resolution type post. I haven't made resolutions in a long time.. well, not out loud any way. They're always the same.. Lose weight, be more intentional, work out more, spend more time with Jesus. Those are all good resolutions but guess what.. I, like everyone else, quit. I'm a quitter.
Instead of resolutions, the past few years we have done vision boards. They aren't necessarily spiritual, however ours is heavily spiritual. We pray for wisdom from the Lord and write down what He reveals to us. As we pray and believe for these things, we see the faithfulness of God revealed as we check them off.
Of course, if I were to make a resolution it would be to get on track and be healthy. More than that, to be consistent and intentional with the things I know I have to do to be well. I'm so sick of giving up. I need to give up on something though..
I give up on fear. It's exhausting. I'm tired of worrying about everything I eat. Sugar is dangerous and will make you have cancer. Carbs are bad for your heart. Bacon will kill you. I don't eat bacon so I don't care about that.. but you get the point. Sugar and processed foods are bad for you, no doubt about it... and I definitely will work on eliminating them as much as possible, but the guilt that comes with eating any little bit has got to go. The enemy has got to go. He knows the way to make me fearful and I'm done giving in.
I don't need to watch any more documentaries. I don't need to be reminded of how bad certain things are and how much I need good food. I need to give it away and place blame where it's due. Sure, I put the fork in my own mouth but the guilt and the condemnation comes from the enemy and he has got to flee.
So this year is about focus, consistency and being intentional. My whole life, whenever something has been too difficult or involved, I quit.. but I'm done. I'm done placing the blame on my family or circumstances too. Praying specific prayers will help accomplish this task. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.
Instead of resolutions, the past few years we have done vision boards. They aren't necessarily spiritual, however ours is heavily spiritual. We pray for wisdom from the Lord and write down what He reveals to us. As we pray and believe for these things, we see the faithfulness of God revealed as we check them off.
Of course, if I were to make a resolution it would be to get on track and be healthy. More than that, to be consistent and intentional with the things I know I have to do to be well. I'm so sick of giving up. I need to give up on something though..
I give up on fear. It's exhausting. I'm tired of worrying about everything I eat. Sugar is dangerous and will make you have cancer. Carbs are bad for your heart. Bacon will kill you. I don't eat bacon so I don't care about that.. but you get the point. Sugar and processed foods are bad for you, no doubt about it... and I definitely will work on eliminating them as much as possible, but the guilt that comes with eating any little bit has got to go. The enemy has got to go. He knows the way to make me fearful and I'm done giving in.
I don't need to watch any more documentaries. I don't need to be reminded of how bad certain things are and how much I need good food. I need to give it away and place blame where it's due. Sure, I put the fork in my own mouth but the guilt and the condemnation comes from the enemy and he has got to flee.
So this year is about focus, consistency and being intentional. My whole life, whenever something has been too difficult or involved, I quit.. but I'm done. I'm done placing the blame on my family or circumstances too. Praying specific prayers will help accomplish this task. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
My Oceans moment
My Oceans moment had already begun but I didn't realize it yet. The next few days we had to stay at the hospital. Me for my numb leg and blood pressure and Declan was still receiving antibiotics and in the NICU for his breathing. Every time the doctor and nurse came in they were getting more worried about my leg. It was no longer normal for my leg to be numb because of the epidural. I was an emotional wreck. Anyone who came to visit witnessed a breakdown. We received so many prayers and I will never be able to tell them just how much I appreciated those moments. I needed it so much. I was discharged on a Friday in order to go see a neurosurgeon because the MRI showed a herniated disc at the lowest disc in my back. I knew it was there. Well, I thought I had been healed from it because I hadn't had pain in years, and still wasn't in pain.. just numb. Declan, however, was not discharged. Leaving my baby at the hospital was the hardest thing. The neurosurgeon was not as concerned as my OB was. I was a blubbering mess talking to him about everything that was going on and he was cold and matter-of-fact. That was hard. I already felt ridiculous being so emotional and to be met by someone who was overly uncomfortable at my presence was disheartening. But thankfully, he wasn't doom and gloom about my situation and I was grateful. To this day, no one knows why my leg went numb.
For the next two weeks I slowly started getting better thanks to the medication. I was thankful to be home. I remember crawling to the bathroom to take a shower. I know I could've had help but there are worse things than crawling. My blood pressure was still high, too. I began physical therapy almost immediately and it was painful. Electrodes on my leg shocking me every 8 seconds as I try to move my foot. My calf was on fire and I was constantly terrified that I had a blood clot. Seriously, I was a wreck. I went to the urgent care clinic more times than I would like to admit because my blood pressure was high and my leg was on fire. Pulmonary embolism scared the hell out of me.
You see why I call this my Oceans moment. Not one single moment but a season of them. Every single time I checked my blood pressure and it was high, I thought I was dying. Every time my calf reminded me of my back issues, I felt it was a cruel joke for God to bring us this new life only for it to cost me my own. I can't stress enough that I thought I was dying. It's not too ridiculous of a thought considering a co-worker died of a hypertensive stroke just a few weeks before Declan was born. She was my age. The enemy knew what he was doing. He knows how important my family is to me and he knows how to scare me. Fear is emotional atheism. We had been through so much but I never really dealt with my fear.
Before Declan was here, Hillsong came out with a song called Oceans. It was my favorite song and I prayed that my faith would be strengthened. Be careful what you pray for... To this day I can't sing the song. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that my faith has been strengthened. The Lord has truly carried me through all of the hard times. Sorry if you're reading this hoping for my moment of clarity where I am able to make it through every hard moment from now on because of this experience. The most important thing that the Lord revealed to me was that I had to deal with my fear. In the past, whenever the enemy starts speaking a lie to me, I always let it in. I would play out every situation with the worst case scenario in mind. The enemy fed on my fear and sent me in to some really dark places. Through freedom prayer, I've discovered where he first started using these lies and the Lord spoke truth into those places so I could get freedom. It was hard work, just as painful as physical therapy and something I will have to continue for the rest of my life.
I came to realize that my faith will be tested. There will be moments where my trust is without borders. I have a choice. Do I live in that uncomfortable, yet comfortable fear that I've known for so long.. or do I let the Holy Spirit lead me in those moments. Do I let Him lead me on the water in faith? I have to. If I don't I am setting myself and my family up for generational curses. I've broken those chains and I can't go back.
In the past two years, I feel like an onion. The Lord peeled back the layers of fear, doubt, anxiety, sin, brokenness. And then He added even more layers of faith, trust, love, and joy. Choosing joy has been one of the hardest decisions. To realize that true joy isn't in circumstances but is in Jesus. A bad day or season doesn't make a bad life and doesn't determine joy. This has been the hardest lesson but has been so worth it. I am automatically winning because I have Jesus.
Friday, August 22, 2014
The light and the dark
We've made some memories this week. I love memories. Never again will I get the chance to really begin introducing Canaan to God. He's heard about God and Jesus when we pray at night or over food. He's learned things at church, too. But, on Monday, August 18, I intentionally began teaching Canaan about God. We started with the very beginning, because well, that's where you should start. If you don't start at the beginning, you will eventually back pedal.
Today, we finished up our week covering the letter C, the number 1 and the Bible verse Genesis 1:1. It was such a great and successful week. Every day we had tons of fun and Canaan loved going to "school". It fulfilled my goal of having routine and structure in our day and helped eliminate some of the boredom that can come with having the day wide open and no plans. See previous post for the lesson plans of each day. We followed it pretty well with the exception of Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, we added the caterpillar project. I'll attach pictures but to go along with the artwork, we read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and talked about circles. I was super proud of Canaan for putting the cut out circles in the correct places and giving me directions on where to draw the legs for each circle. Today, instead of doing the creation project I had originally planned, we are going to put that off for later when we talk about Day 4 of creation. So the project today was in direct correlation with Day 1 of creation. The pictures will help explain it.
Here are a couple of other pictures from the week. What I've decided to do instead of hoarding all of his work and instead of throwing it away, is to give it to family members. I'll keep some of it at first to use as review but then it will be mailed off to loved ones. In the picture above, I wrote a description of what we did this week for family who don't have Facebook.
"School" has been a success. Now I'm working on next week's plans.
Today, we finished up our week covering the letter C, the number 1 and the Bible verse Genesis 1:1. It was such a great and successful week. Every day we had tons of fun and Canaan loved going to "school". It fulfilled my goal of having routine and structure in our day and helped eliminate some of the boredom that can come with having the day wide open and no plans. See previous post for the lesson plans of each day. We followed it pretty well with the exception of Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, we added the caterpillar project. I'll attach pictures but to go along with the artwork, we read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and talked about circles. I was super proud of Canaan for putting the cut out circles in the correct places and giving me directions on where to draw the legs for each circle. Today, instead of doing the creation project I had originally planned, we are going to put that off for later when we talk about Day 4 of creation. So the project today was in direct correlation with Day 1 of creation. The pictures will help explain it.
So, first, Canaan painted the inside of a shoebox completely black
Side note: It would definitely take less time if I did it, but that's not the point.
Then, I had him look inside the box.. What do you see? "Dark" Exactly.
Then, I put the flashlight part of my phone (actual flashlight was dead) at the other end of the box and then asked what he saw.. "LIGHT".
It was so much fun to see his reaction. Another great resource is the Kids Bible App. They have a story on creation and it's great. It's animated and Canaan just cracks up playing with the animals on it. While I was rocking Declan, I could hear him playing with it. There is a page for when God created light and dark and I could hear Canaan turning the light on and off saying "light and dark". It was really neat to hear him acting out what he has been taught.
"School" has been a success. Now I'm working on next week's plans.
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