Rainy day thoughts

Rainy days often make me bored and reflective... here's what I have so far.

Right now I would be in my 8th month of pregnancy... most women who have miscarriages and want to try again, are usually pregnant within the next few months. This has not happened for us.. Every pregnant woman I see is a reminder of this.

That being said, I think I'm getting better at handling the sadness. I'm not as bitter as I was before.. I can now genuinely be happy for people who are blessed with what we had taken away.

When I talk to people about this, they try to reason with me.. they try to remind me of the logic that these things happen and God has a plan.. How many more times can I say that I know this?..

My problem is.. I've never experienced real tragedy.. until now. And the tragedy that I have to face is the one thing that I've always wanted. It's hard to find your footing after that. I've always struggled with faith.. and believing for the one thing you fear of losing the most is sooo hard..

That being said, I'm working on it.. any encouragement is greatly appreciated. I don't really know how to build on faith, but I feel like he's taken me to ground zero so it's only up from here.

I promise, one of these days I will stop talking about all of this... I will move on one day.

Not how I thought it would be...

Random thought today..

I found someone on facebook and sent a friend request then started looking through my pictures to find a recent one so he would know it's me..
Anyways, I stumbled across a picture of me and Levi with one of our nephews when he was a few years old and this thought has stuck with me all day..

My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. There are so many things for which I'm grateful turned out the way they did. I never really thought I would go to college. For one, I knew my family couldn't afford it and I didn't think I could pass the classes. But here I am a college graduate. Second, I didn't think I would ever get out of Clarksville. THANK GOD I did.. then there are other things like our jobs, vehicles, friends.. For these things I am grateful, but there's one thing I wish I could change.

Here I go again... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. and this picture I saw today got me thinking.. if things would have happened the way I wanted them to, I would have a toddler right now. If I could have gotten away with it, I would have got pregnant right after we got married and everything would have been difficult but so worth it.. then I could have posted a profile pic of us with our toddler and this person would know that we have a family.. when I had this thought, I also had this happy feeling.. a feeling of pure joy.. and then reality hit..

But then another thought hit me.. while I was experiencing this false joy at the thought of having a baby. It was like God was telling me he wished I had this feeling about him. What if I experienced pure joy at the thought of being with him? It was thought provoking and sad at the same time.. Lately I spend my time questioning God's plan for my life and wishing he would have done things my way instead of being grateful for the things I never thought would happen and how he's done incredible things.

Basically, I'm trying to tell myself to get over the things I can't change.. stop imagining my life in a different way. There is no sideways world.. this isn't LOST. God has a plan and I haven't trusted it up to this point.. maybe if I go willingly I will experience joy along the way.. who knows?

About me

Just some facts about mwah...

1. I'm not a social person. I don't like to be around a lot of people, in fact, I've been known to have panic attacks. I like to be around other people but am also a big homebody.

2. I'm not a hugger. Unless I'm really close to you and then I can be affectionate, otherwise, don't be surprised if I am awkward when you try to hug me.

3. I'm not a typical jewelry-loving girl. Most days I don't even wear my wedding set. I've always found it silly when women compare how big their rings are.. I can't even imagine spending that much money on an accessory. It's not a symbol of your love, even those with the biggest rings can get divorced. My great grandmother wore a simple gold band and had the kind of marriage to be envied.

4. I don't enjoy working out. But I do it because my family is plagued with illnesses and I refuse to live like that.

5. I think I will be a good mom, but I know Levi will be an even better dad. He's patient and kind and so much fun. Our kids will have the best dad, ever.

6. I can count my close friends on one hand. I don't understand people who go through friends like seasons. I don't make friends easily (see #1) but when I do, I'm the most loyal ally.

7. I like to pour myself into fiction.. Harry Potter, Twilight, and most recently, Grey's Anatomy. It takes me out of reality and puts me in a world of crazy ups and downs, where everything ultimately works out.

8. Marrying Levi was probably the best decision I've ever made. Being married to him has been the easiest and best 3 1/2 years of my life. I can't relate to people who have to adjust to being married and I hope it stays this way.

9. I don't like the beach. The sand and the salty water mixed with animals is creepy to me. I definitely don't like lakes.. just weird. I prefer big cities or Disney World.

10. I like to be liked. It's becoming a problem now that I'm a teacher because I want my students to like me so I slouch on the rules..

11. I have a tendency to be judgmental.. and I HATE this about myself. I've always wanted to push my convictions on everybody else. I think I'm getting better but still..

I Quit Living in Fear

On my trip to OKC this weekend, I had the opportunity to go to LifeChurch.tv and hear a message from one of my favorite speakers, Craig Groeschel. His message couldn’t have been more relevant to what I was going through that weekend and the weeks leading up to it. It’s getting to where I don’t even want to get out. Every baby and pregnant lady I see makes me more bitter. It’s been 6 months and still nothing. I held strong to my belief that God has a plan and it’s way better than I can imagine, but the longer it takes, the more I start to waiver.

Craig’s message was appropriately titled “I Quit Living in Fear”.

First we were to check which fears apply to us.

   X      Fear of Loss

   X      Fear of Failure

   X      Fear of Rejection

   X      Fear of the Unknown

Being honest with myself, I had to check each area. Now I thought I knew all of the truths about fear. I’ve had 2 Timothy 1:7 memorized since Junior High. “For God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind”.

Craig divinely taught about even more truths regarding fear.

-       Fear is faith in the wrong things

-       Fear is placing faith in the “What if’s”

Example: Moses answered, “What if they do not believe me or liste to me and say, ‘ The Lord did not appear to you’?” Exodus 4:1

  

-       People rarely think What if something good happens?

Why do your “What if’s” matter?

1. What you fear reveals what you value the most.
2. What you fear reveals where you trust God the least.  OUCH!!

A big part for me was this next part. We were asked to take the next step and write out the area (s) of our life that we didn’t trust God with.

** I’m not trusting God with: My circumstances (Job for Levi, a baby) , My future

Facing the “What if’s” of Fear

• Acknowledge your fear and choose to trust God.

My slanderers pursue me all day long; many are attacking me in their pride. When I am afraid I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56:2-4

-       David was literally being hunted down by Saul’s men and yet he decided to trust God.

    

It was so much easier to trust God at first. For one, I could hear him telling me to, and hearing from God was such a comfort to me. But that’s when I thought I wouldn’t be waiting very long. Now that I’m getting impatient and trusting God is becoming more critical, the fear is starting to creep back in.

Now I must admit, I have gotten LOTS better at trusting and letting go of fear. About 6 months ago, I would have had to put about three X’s in each box to show how much I feared everything. Regardless, this message was a slap in the face. It’s no surprise that my fear reveals what I value the most. Levi needs to get a job back home ASAP and we want a baby, like yesterday.. BUT it was a huge revelation to think that after all we’ve been through that these things we want the most are the areas I trust God with the least. If I believe He is our provider, I must surrender all. ALL! Not just the little things and hold on to the things that are really dear to me. Unlike before, I realize this will take some time.

Seek God until he takes away your fears.

                I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

            Psalm 34:4

I must seek God until he takes away my fears. Everyday I have to give these fears to Him. No matter how long it takes..

While I’m revealing, I’m going to lay everything out on the table

My biggest fears:

Jesus will return before I have a baby.

It will take more than 2 more months to get pregnant. (every month that passes it gets harder)

Levi won’t get a job back in Conway.

Prayers for 2011

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.

- Hebrews 11:1

as·sur·ance

 [uh-shoor-uhns, -shur-] 

–noun

1.

a positive declaration intended to give confidence: Hereceived assurances of support for the project.

2.

promise or pledge; guaranty; surety: He gave his assurancethat the job would be done.

3.

full confidence; freedom from doubt; certainty: to act in theassurance of success.

4.

freedom from timidity; self-confidence; belief in one'sabilities: She acted with speed and assurance.

5.

presumptuous boldness; impudence

I'm not big into New Year's resolutions.. for one, they don't work. If you wanted to change, you don't need a new year to do it. However, I completely believe in expecting great things for a new year. 

Some things I'm praying for in 2011.. in other words, things I'm expecting (look forward to). In no particular order:

* a baby for Chandra and Jordan.. they've been waiting a long time and you've built up a great faith in them. They will be awesome parents because of their relationship with the Father. You know their situation and their hurt.. I expect this to be a year of blessing that only You can give.

*a baby for Megan and Andy.. they too have been waiting a long time. You've brought them together during this time and brought them closer to you. They will also be wonderful parents and any kid will be blessed to have them as mom and dad.

*a baby for M and C.. You know their health situation but it doesn't limit Your ability. I pray you use their time of waiting as an opportunity to build them up in faith.

*babies for other couples I know have been waiting but not certain they want their situations shared. You know better than I what their situations are and have a perfect plan that beats ours any day. It doesn't make it easier to understand but it makes the reality of You as provider that much more real.   

*complete healing for Lori. You are Jehovah Rophe (God of healing) and I believe in a complete restoration for her. Doctors are only confusing her and making this process stressful and painful. You alone can heal her completely.

* a baby for us. Abba, you know our situation and I believe you've felt our pain. This has been a journey that I know you've used for your glory. You've raised us up and provided grace for the journey. This experience has been an opportunity to praise you and reach out to other people. We weren't meant to go through struggles alone. This is our dream and we pray expectantly knowing you want to bless us. Levi wants a girl, but I just want a baby.

* a new job for Levi that he can transfer to smoothly as soon as this job ends in June. This has been an opportunity to pay on our debt but you never intended it to be long term. I pray you'll lead us to whatever opportunity you have next. I know it will be local (Conway or LR) and the pay and job description will be what we need to live on and what Levi wants to be happy.

"But when you ask [God], be sure that you really expect Him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord."
- James 1:6-7 NLT

If anyone reading this has anything to add, please send me a message or comment. I very much want to pray for others this year. We can stand in agreement with each other!

Faithful

In my journey to get to know God, I started in a few different places... Levi and I both started a reading plan from YouVersion.. I can access it on my phone or computer and there are so many different kinds, but this one works best for me. I've tried to start 1-year reading plans before but never made it past a week. This one starts in Genesis, and every day I read one chapter of Genesis, Proverbs, Psalms and Acts. I liked this because I needed to learn about the beginning of life and the beginning of the church. Every day there is a Proverb and Psalm no matter what the other books are and so far I really like that too! Right now I have read 25% of the Bible.. I am so excited!

As exciting as it's been, it's been hard... I don't hear Him as clearly as I did before. While I was in the midst of so much grief, I could hear him so clearly.. like never before. I could feel his presence with me and it was the most amazing feeling.

As I've said, I know he's closer to the hurting and now he's teaching me about obedience and being faithful, but I want more. I know now that I need more of Him.

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for


When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And I want you more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

-"Faithful" by Brooke Fraser

I'm still so thankful that he gave me the opportunity to be pregnant. Even when I was lying on the ground by the toilet every morning, I was still so thankful to "feel"pregnant. Some women complain throughout their entire pregnancies.. They complain about their "accidents" they complain about being tired and sore. Their head hurts, their back hurts, their inconvenienced in one way or another... I've never been more thankful to be "inconvenienced".

In high school, my Parenting teacher and inspiration for teaching FACS, Mrs. Bomar, once told me that I'll be the happiest pregnant person. She was right! I truly miss feeling pregnant. It's hard to explain but I'm sure there are women reading this that know what I'm talking about. One of the reasons I think I got depressed after the hormones left was because the feeling of being pregnant went with them. Even though it didn't end the way I wanted to, I am still so thankful that God gave me the opportunity.. I've never felt more blessed than I did when I felt He was blessing me with a life He created. 

Epilogue

"In the midst of our grief and struggles, we were also living with an experience of special grace.. a sense of God's presence, as if the veil between the temporal and the eternal had been lifted."

I believe this is because so many of our friends and family were praying for us. People I didn't even know very well were praying for us.. God is closer to us when we are hurting, and I've never felt Him so close as I have during September and October. Everything I had one of my episodes, I could hear him almost audibly saying "trust me". Sometimes it would drive me crazy because I wanted to trust that he would give it back.

"At the same time, I was experiencing God's grace through friends and the sweetness of the Holy Spirit's presence, I was also just plain getting beat up  by grief, sometimes when I least expected it."

I guess this started happening in November. I was going back to the hospital every week for over a month for a blood test and every week I would get the call that the test was still positive. I joke that my body still wanted to be pregnant... but the truth is that with twins, your hormone levels are so much higher and it takes that much longer for them to go down. By the beginning to middle of November, my test was negative and the reality started to sink in.. More like it hit me like a demolition ball.

I had decided at the beginning of this disaster that I needed to spend more time with God.. The God I knew was full of grace so why would this happen to me?? Then I felt him  tell me that I needed to re-learn about Him. Turns out I didn't know him as well as I thought. I was picking and choosing what I wanted to believe. I was building my very own Creator. He would answer my prayers and bless me and al I had to do was talk to Him when i felt like it. The fear of God was non-existant. The whole "give and take away" didn't apply to me.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Job 1:21

Out of these ashes
Beauty will rise
And we will dance among the ruins
We will see it with our own eyes
Our of these ashes
Beauty will rise
For we know joy is coming in the morning

-Steven Curtis Chapman's new cd "Beauty Will Rise" The whole cd is filled with psalms and prayers after the loss of his little girl who died tragically after being hit by a car driven by his son. This cd and his wife's new book "Choosing to See" have helped so much to understand pain and loss and choosing to believe God has a plan. I've quoted here a few times earlier because when I read these words, it was everything I was feeling put into words. I couldn't have said it better.. If you've experienced loss, you should read her book. It's not all sad.. it's also full of funny moments about their journey as the Chapman family.