Rainy days often make me bored and reflective... here's what I have so far.
Right now I would be in my 8th month of pregnancy... most women who have miscarriages and want to try again, are usually pregnant within the next few months. This has not happened for us.. Every pregnant woman I see is a reminder of this.
That being said, I think I'm getting better at handling the sadness. I'm not as bitter as I was before.. I can now genuinely be happy for people who are blessed with what we had taken away.
When I talk to people about this, they try to reason with me.. they try to remind me of the logic that these things happen and God has a plan.. How many more times can I say that I know this?..
My problem is.. I've never experienced real tragedy.. until now. And the tragedy that I have to face is the one thing that I've always wanted. It's hard to find your footing after that. I've always struggled with faith.. and believing for the one thing you fear of losing the most is sooo hard..
That being said, I'm working on it.. any encouragement is greatly appreciated. I don't really know how to build on faith, but I feel like he's taken me to ground zero so it's only up from here.
I promise, one of these days I will stop talking about all of this... I will move on one day.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Not how I thought it would be...
Random thought today..
I found someone on facebook and sent a friend request then started looking through my pictures to find a recent one so he would know it's me..
Anyways, I stumbled across a picture of me and Levi with one of our nephews when he was a few years old and this thought has stuck with me all day..
My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. There are so many things for which I'm grateful turned out the way they did. I never really thought I would go to college. For one, I knew my family couldn't afford it and I didn't think I could pass the classes. But here I am a college graduate. Second, I didn't think I would ever get out of Clarksville. THANK GOD I did.. then there are other things like our jobs, vehicles, friends.. For these things I am grateful, but there's one thing I wish I could change.
Here I go again... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. and this picture I saw today got me thinking.. if things would have happened the way I wanted them to, I would have a toddler right now. If I could have gotten away with it, I would have got pregnant right after we got married and everything would have been difficult but so worth it.. then I could have posted a profile pic of us with our toddler and this person would know that we have a family.. when I had this thought, I also had this happy feeling.. a feeling of pure joy.. and then reality hit..
But then another thought hit me.. while I was experiencing this false joy at the thought of having a baby. It was like God was telling me he wished I had this feeling about him. What if I experienced pure joy at the thought of being with him? It was thought provoking and sad at the same time.. Lately I spend my time questioning God's plan for my life and wishing he would have done things my way instead of being grateful for the things I never thought would happen and how he's done incredible things.
Basically, I'm trying to tell myself to get over the things I can't change.. stop imagining my life in a different way. There is no sideways world.. this isn't LOST. God has a plan and I haven't trusted it up to this point.. maybe if I go willingly I will experience joy along the way.. who knows?
I found someone on facebook and sent a friend request then started looking through my pictures to find a recent one so he would know it's me..
Anyways, I stumbled across a picture of me and Levi with one of our nephews when he was a few years old and this thought has stuck with me all day..
My life hasn't turned out the way I thought it would. There are so many things for which I'm grateful turned out the way they did. I never really thought I would go to college. For one, I knew my family couldn't afford it and I didn't think I could pass the classes. But here I am a college graduate. Second, I didn't think I would ever get out of Clarksville. THANK GOD I did.. then there are other things like our jobs, vehicles, friends.. For these things I am grateful, but there's one thing I wish I could change.
Here I go again... I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. and this picture I saw today got me thinking.. if things would have happened the way I wanted them to, I would have a toddler right now. If I could have gotten away with it, I would have got pregnant right after we got married and everything would have been difficult but so worth it.. then I could have posted a profile pic of us with our toddler and this person would know that we have a family.. when I had this thought, I also had this happy feeling.. a feeling of pure joy.. and then reality hit..
But then another thought hit me.. while I was experiencing this false joy at the thought of having a baby. It was like God was telling me he wished I had this feeling about him. What if I experienced pure joy at the thought of being with him? It was thought provoking and sad at the same time.. Lately I spend my time questioning God's plan for my life and wishing he would have done things my way instead of being grateful for the things I never thought would happen and how he's done incredible things.
Basically, I'm trying to tell myself to get over the things I can't change.. stop imagining my life in a different way. There is no sideways world.. this isn't LOST. God has a plan and I haven't trusted it up to this point.. maybe if I go willingly I will experience joy along the way.. who knows?
Friday, March 11, 2011
About me
Just some facts about mwah...
1. I'm not a social person. I don't like to be around a lot of people, in fact, I've been known to have panic attacks. I like to be around other people but am also a big homebody.
2. I'm not a hugger. Unless I'm really close to you and then I can be affectionate, otherwise, don't be surprised if I am awkward when you try to hug me.
3. I'm not a typical jewelry-loving girl. Most days I don't even wear my wedding set. I've always found it silly when women compare how big their rings are.. I can't even imagine spending that much money on an accessory. It's not a symbol of your love, even those with the biggest rings can get divorced. My great grandmother wore a simple gold band and had the kind of marriage to be envied.
4. I don't enjoy working out. But I do it because my family is plagued with illnesses and I refuse to live like that.
5. I think I will be a good mom, but I know Levi will be an even better dad. He's patient and kind and so much fun. Our kids will have the best dad, ever.
6. I can count my close friends on one hand. I don't understand people who go through friends like seasons. I don't make friends easily (see #1) but when I do, I'm the most loyal ally.
7. I like to pour myself into fiction.. Harry Potter, Twilight, and most recently, Grey's Anatomy. It takes me out of reality and puts me in a world of crazy ups and downs, where everything ultimately works out.
8. Marrying Levi was probably the best decision I've ever made. Being married to him has been the easiest and best 3 1/2 years of my life. I can't relate to people who have to adjust to being married and I hope it stays this way.
9. I don't like the beach. The sand and the salty water mixed with animals is creepy to me. I definitely don't like lakes.. just weird. I prefer big cities or Disney World.
10. I like to be liked. It's becoming a problem now that I'm a teacher because I want my students to like me so I slouch on the rules..
11. I have a tendency to be judgmental.. and I HATE this about myself. I've always wanted to push my convictions on everybody else. I think I'm getting better but still..
1. I'm not a social person. I don't like to be around a lot of people, in fact, I've been known to have panic attacks. I like to be around other people but am also a big homebody.
2. I'm not a hugger. Unless I'm really close to you and then I can be affectionate, otherwise, don't be surprised if I am awkward when you try to hug me.
3. I'm not a typical jewelry-loving girl. Most days I don't even wear my wedding set. I've always found it silly when women compare how big their rings are.. I can't even imagine spending that much money on an accessory. It's not a symbol of your love, even those with the biggest rings can get divorced. My great grandmother wore a simple gold band and had the kind of marriage to be envied.
4. I don't enjoy working out. But I do it because my family is plagued with illnesses and I refuse to live like that.
5. I think I will be a good mom, but I know Levi will be an even better dad. He's patient and kind and so much fun. Our kids will have the best dad, ever.
6. I can count my close friends on one hand. I don't understand people who go through friends like seasons. I don't make friends easily (see #1) but when I do, I'm the most loyal ally.
7. I like to pour myself into fiction.. Harry Potter, Twilight, and most recently, Grey's Anatomy. It takes me out of reality and puts me in a world of crazy ups and downs, where everything ultimately works out.
8. Marrying Levi was probably the best decision I've ever made. Being married to him has been the easiest and best 3 1/2 years of my life. I can't relate to people who have to adjust to being married and I hope it stays this way.
9. I don't like the beach. The sand and the salty water mixed with animals is creepy to me. I definitely don't like lakes.. just weird. I prefer big cities or Disney World.
10. I like to be liked. It's becoming a problem now that I'm a teacher because I want my students to like me so I slouch on the rules..
11. I have a tendency to be judgmental.. and I HATE this about myself. I've always wanted to push my convictions on everybody else. I think I'm getting better but still..
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