Here goes nothing..
For some reason, I had this random thought that I should start a blog. I have no idea why.. I've never been interested in blogging. I don't think I have a lot to say. That's why the title is what it is.. this may very well be the first and last of my blogging career. At this point, I'm still not even sure I'll publish this post. We'll see.
Some people know about our trials over the past few months, and I'm not sure how I feel about making it known to everyone else. A part of me feels I'll be getting a huge load off of my chest, while the other wants to hold on to it for dear life.
September 4th
Levi and I spent the day shopping in Little Rock. I finally went to the Limited for the first time and I fell in love! We spent way too much money, but we figured since Levi was about to start working in Colorado making more money, that we could afford it. We got home that night and Levi went to work at church. While I was home, doing the dishes, I heard a very clear voice say "take a pregnancy test". Knowing this wasn't just in my head, I started talking to God. "Why in the world would I take a pregnancy test", I asked. Shaking, I went and took a test. Within seconds, two very pink, very dark lines came on the test. Still shaking, now crying, the first thing I said was "thank you, Jesus".. however, reality started setting in soon..
For some of you, this may be TMI (too much info) but I teach about pregnancy so I really don't have a filter about it.. anyway, I was worried because I was having what I thought was a very light period. Cramping and bleeding-- not normal but still there.
I called my friend, Melissa, to get some sort of reassurance. She was so positive and kept telling me to believe in Jesus name that everything was ok. This gave me the strength to believe the best and continue being excited..
I made a quick trip to Kohls to get some plain baby bibs and to Target to get a card and then began my surprise to Levi. So excited, I painted "I love my daddy" on a bib and waited for Levi to get home to give it to him. It was the longest wait, ever.
When he got home, I could hardly contain myself. I gave him the bag and waited to see his reaction. He opened the bib to see the message and wrapped up in it were both pregnancy tests (I took a second one so I could see it say "Pregnant" on the screen :) ) I'll never forget the look on Levi's face.. it was a mix of happy and scared at the same time. It was no surprise about either emotion, seeing as he was leaving on Monday to start working in Colorado until June. We had no idea what we were going to do.. and to top if off, I'm still terrified that something is wrong..
September 5th
We go to Clarksville for the day.. we decide not to say anything to our families because we don't know what's going on.. All I remember about that day is being so excited and so worried all at the same time.
That night I broke down.. I felt defeated. I knew something was wrong and it wasn't just in my head. I wanted to believe everything was ok and I truly believed that if God wanted, he could make everything ok. I just didn't feel confident that this would end up the way I wanted. I remember crying worse than I've ever cried before in my life and being on my knees begging God to make it all ok. I felt so close to what I've always dreamed.. being a mom.. and now it was going away. I laid on the floor for what seemed like forever.. just crying out to God..
We called our parents and told them what was going on.. the second time I've ever see Levi cry in our 7 years of being together. They, like everyone else, tried so hard to be reassuring. I called a friend of ours who owns a clinic in Clinton and she agreed to see me the next day so Levi could go to Colorado knowing everything was ok. Levi was supposed to leave earlier on Monday but delayed his flight so we could go to Clinton. We went and I had bloodwork drawn (big deal.. I hate needles) and the results came back that I was definitely pregnant.. and the levels were really high.. which was good.. this meant that according to my last menstrual period, that my levels didn't seem to be dropping.. So Levi left that night, feeling very confident.
I, on the other hand still wasn't sure.. the next morning I got a big surprise.. I'll save you the gory details, but I had reason to believe something was wrong. I called the clinic and they said to come back to Clinton for more work.. my worst fear was coming true.. This was happening.. and I was alone.
I went to the hospital in Clinton and had an ultrasound done. The technician seemed nice, however, she didn't exactly have the best bedside manner. While performing the ultrasound she said things like "this doesn't look right" and "this looks weird".. who in the world thinks someone is ok with hearing that?? especially when I'm bawling and talking about how worried I am..
The next few hours were the longest of my life. I sat in the waiting room..alone.. waiting for the results. I received the kindest texts and phone calls of prayers from so many people. It still means the world to me! As I was sitting in that waiting room.. between bouts of hysterical crying.. I would hear this voice saying "trust me".. just like I heard in the kitchen doing dishes at the beginning of all of this. Again I started talking to it.. "what if it all goes wrong" and once again I hear "trust me".. "Ok, God. I trust you. I know you have a plan"..I can't tell you how many times I repeated this.
My friend at the clinic called and told me to meet her so she could share the results. I get there and she said everything looked fine. At this point, as far along as they thought I was, everything seemed normal. There was definitely something there, but it's too early to really see a whole lot.. and my levels were going up.. a lot.. so everything seemed good.
But I was still freaking out.. I was so worried and trying to get reassurance from anybody. Levi said the sweetest thing one day while trying to calm me.. he said "All I know is that I'm gonna be a dad and that's all that matters".. (paraphrasing) I wanted so much for it to be true.
As I felt a huge relief, I also knew I wasn't out of the woods yet. I had to go back in two days for more blood work.. it's important that your HCG levels double every 48 hours.
My levels kept going up.. and up.. I was in the 70,000+ category (as early along as I was.. this was a LOT).. this was the only thing that gave me hope.. that and the fact that I still felt pregnant. I can't explain it, but I could just feel it.. it was the best feeling.
I finally called a clinic in Conway and set an appointment. My mom and Levi's mom both came up to go with me. The nurse and doctor were both so very nice. However, another ultrasound meant more bad news.. thankfully, this time the doctor had better bedside manner. He said my levels were way too high to not see anything in the ultrasound.. AND the fact that my levels were so high to be only 7 weeks along at the time usually meant twins.. but either they were hiding or they weren't there anymore. He said he believed in miracles so he would wait another week before having me come in for another check.
Devastated. not only had my dream come true, but he had said the one thing that I would absolutely love but knew was a long shot..twins.. I knew they ran in my family, but who honestly thinks it will happen to them?!
I was completely numb. He basically said that unless a miracle happened, I would have to either naturally miscarry or have surgery.
The next couple of weeks were very fuzzy.. I just remember being numb. I had to go to school and teach about pregnancy every day. We covered every month of pregnancy as well as the complications of pregnancy, including miscarriage. One day stands out when a student asked what the big deal was.. it's not like you really lost anything. It took everything in me not to break down right there.
The next ultrasound proved that my levels were increasing as they should, however, there was no longer anything to be seen. Somewhere along the line, they stopped developing but my body kept wanting to be pregnant. By this point, I had all the symptoms of pregnancy. I've already been extremely tired for weeks now.. taking two hour naps during my off time at work, pushing students desks together and sleeping in the corner of my classroom. Every morning, rushing to the bathroom and spending the first 20 minutes of my day hovering the toilet.. and thankful that I get to feel the symptoms at all.
Since my body didn't want to carry out the process naturally, I had to schedule a d&c. Thankfully, Levi would be home soon, so I scheduled it for the weekend he would be home. What a great first weekend back!
September 24th
All I remember is being afraid of the anesthesia and of being knocked out.. then waking up to the reality that it was over. God gave and took away the best thing that had happened to me so far.
Everything since then has been almost just as fuzzy. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.. Some days are better than others.. the first couple of months were actually easier than I thought. I handled it better than people expected.. Honestly, I don't know how.. it was all God. He was surrounding me with his presence and speaking peace to me the whole time. I absolutely trusted him, knowing that he had a plan. My life group and church friends were so helpful too. They were so kind to listen to me cry my heart out and prayed for me.. I truly believe God operated through them.
The past few weeks have been different. I still trust God's plan and I believe and expect that he works all things out for my good.. but I don't understand his plan and I fully expect to not understand for a long time. However, I've been experiencing bitterness.. it seems that everywhere I look, someone else is pregnant. I'm trying so hard to be happy for everyone, but I can't help but ask "why not me?".. seriously, why did it have to happen to me? I had it.. I could feel it.. Why couldn't I keep it? Was I supposed to learn some lesson through all of this? That even though you do things in the right order.. marry, graduate college, get a career, and then get pregnant.. you still don't deserve the one thing you've wanted most. Honestly, I don't understand what I'm supposed to have learned through all of this.. unless, maybe it's to trust God no matter what..
Do I trust him with the one thing that I want more than anything? Do I trust him even when it gets taken away? Do I trust and follow him when things are at their worst?
My answer is yes. The only thing I am certain of is that God has a plan. He is mighty and he is sovereign. He is full of grace and He will give me the desire of my heart.
Numbers 13-14 comes to mind when God told the Israelites about the Promised land that they were to go and take from the people living there. All they had to do was be obedient and go take their land since God promised it to them, but instead they were intimidated by the size of the people living there and assumed there was a mistake. I want to be like Caleb, and trust God and expect that since he promised me something, he will deliver.
Like I said, this is the first and possibly the last of my blogging career. I didn't write this to make anyone feel sorry for me.. but maybe, someone will stumble across this and it will help them. I'll probably read over this in the future and find things that I want to add or change, but as of right now, this is the story of my life for the past few months.. but it's not my future.. God has big things in store. I believe it, I expect it, and I'm ready to receive it.
r-uh
