Secret

For almost 14 weeks now, we've had a huge secret.. Baby #3 (or #5 as it is in my heart) is on the way! Hard to believe this blog began with the deep heartache of losing our first babies and the hope of starting a family to now being on our 3rd full pregnancy. God is so good!

It's been a long 14 weeks. We found out when we were just one week along. Of course there are people who know. Our family, life group and other prayer warriors are in the know. We hoped to not have to tell anyone but we had complications in the beginning and ended up needing my mother in law to come watch our boys so we could go to the doctor. I had 4 blood draws to check my levels and each time the doctor was not happy with the results. They weren't doubling like they needed to. Finally, our last blood draw I got the call that the number not only doubled but then some. We had so many people rallied around us praying their hearts out and God showed up big time. The doctor called me himself and said he had good news. Our 8 week ultrasound was a big moment too. Babe had grown so much. By 12 weeks, he/she was that much bigger. It has been amazing so far.

At 13 weeks, I started feeling baby move. How amazing is that? I think God knew I needed a little something to set this pregnancy apart. All day on Sunday, it was like a tennis ball was ping-ponging around. It was so sweet.

While a lot of people know, we won't make an official announcement until we find out the gender. But it's getting more difficult to hide!

                                                                        8 Weeks

                                                                        10 Weeks

                                                                         12 Weeks

14 Weeks

14 Weeks (again)

Precious Memories

Edited: I wrote this blog almost a year ago. Mamaw was in the ICU, they said her brain had been without oxygen too long and there was no way she would come out of the unresponsive state she was in. But these doctors didn't know her. She was the strongest person I've ever known. Survived a house fire when she was a teenager and many many many health issues since. There were many times we thought "this is it" and each time she fought her way back. Biggest, most stubborn survivor, ever. This time was different. This time she didn't want to fight. For the past 3 months she only talked about how lonely and sad she was. "You just can't imagine" is what she would say. "You can't imagine losing your husband of 55 years". "I just want to talk to him. I want to see him." So I believe with all my heart that she set her heart and mind on it today and Jesus obliged.

January 15, 2016
Mamaw, you're not gone. I'm not going to act like you're gone because the fact is, you're still here. But, you don't have to be gone for me to honor you.

Not sure where the nickname "Presh" came from.. Mom said you stole it from her. Who knows.. but I know you've called me Presh my whole life. Just like Papaw has called me sweetheart.

One of my earliest memories is of Mark and I barricading the door and crying our little eyes out because we didn't want you and Papaw to leave. You lived just down the road and we were always with you but we never wanted you to leave.

Another early memory is staying at your house on Saturday nights before church. We had the sweetest bedtime routine of eating ribbon candy and looking at painted rocks. Every Sunday morning I would lay in your bed while you would get ready I would listen to the Southern Gospel music fill the house along with the smell of Papaw's coffee.

You sold Avon and had all of those little lipstick samples and sitting at your vanity was where I learned how to do makeup and best of all, how to apply it modestly so it didn't look I was wearing any.

When you moved to Wetumka, you had that adorable yellow house that you loved so much. It was there when we discovered that we loved eggs with velveeta cheese. We called them "eggs with cheese inside and out" because you would add cheese while cooking them but then top them with cheese too. At that house, you and Papaw really expanded your green thumb and created such a beautiful garden in the backyard. We would play cricket even though we had no idea what we were doing and you and Papaw would watch the hummingbirds.

Your house in Holdenville was fun too although my greatest memory there was when you and Papaw were fighting (and boy could you guys fight).. both so opinionated and stubborn! I got really upset and ran to your room and cried. When Papaw found me, he asked me what was wrong and I said I was really scared because I didn't want you to get divorced. Papaw laughed and hugged me. He said "we may fight like crazy but your mamaw is my sweetheart and there's nothing that will change that".

The tea party place. I had so much fun getting dressed up and having tea with you.

We moved to Arkansas when I was really young but you were never strangers. You visited all the time and stayed for long stretches. Whenever Mom had Michael and Morgan, you and Papaw stayed for several weeks each time. We shared a room when Morgan was born. I slept on the floor and you had my bed. In the mornings you would laugh telling me about what silly thing I said in my sleep the night before.

You came to Arkansas every Christmas and your car was always loaded to the max with presents. It made Christmas so much fun to open the trunk and car doors to see it so full.

Eventually you just moved to Arkansas because you wanted to be with us. It was about time :) You moved a block away. I think I was in the 5th or 6th grade because I remember when you had surgery to remove something they thought might be cancerous, and I was a nervous wreck all day until someone called to tell me that it was all good.

At your house you had a boys room and a girls room. You painted my room PINK. 3 walls were a pepto bismol pink with one dark pink accent wall. I seriously loved spending time in that room. It was there where I recorded every single episode of Full House and the new Mickey Mouse Club.

There for a while we would ride the bus to your house after school and stay till mom got home from work. You had the best snacks! Little Debbie cakes (specifically the wedding cakes and chocolate cakes) and Golden Grahams cereal. I would watch the Torkelsons every day and eat cereal. It was the best! You made the best pancakes (seriously, how did you do it? I've never been able to make them that good since). You bought all of my favorite foods. The over processed and amazing fettuccini alfredo in a bag, baked potatoes with velveeta, ramen noodles, Totinos pizza and cream soda. Yum!

Speaking of food, I wish I could go back to the mornings when papaw would take us to school and stop to get donuts on the way.

I took refuge at your house and in your bed more times than I can count. One time meant more than any other. Something terrible happened to me and your house was my safe place. It may have only been a block away from the incident but it felt like an island. You didn't comfort me with words but instead with warmth and love.

You were the unrecognized Wheel of Fortune champion. I so wish you would've had a chance to get on the show because you undoubtedly would've won. You watched it every single day. Along with the 700club.

You were at church every time the doors opened. You had such an amazing gift for interpreting tongues. Seriously, so cool. During the message, you would write messages to me (eye heart U)

We definitely had our rough moments too. Like the time you helped push me over the edge to become a Vegetarian by making deer hamburger.

Or the time I didn't speak to you for several months because you threw a fit and didn't show up to Mark's graduation. I remember seeing the look of hurt in your eyes and sound in your voice because I wouldn't talk to you.

You could be the most stubborn person. I am able to recognize now that trauma helps shape a person. You weren't mean but sometimes you could be hard and set in your ways.

You were in a house fire as a teenager/young adult and it left both physical and emotional scars.

You had two miscarriages and then lost an adult child in a tragic way. No parent should have to endure so much.

You had so many health problems. Honestly, there were so many times in junior high, high school and beyond when we thought we were losing you. We quickly learned that God used all of your traumatic events and turned you in to a fighter. And you trusted God through everything. We saw that first hand.

The past several years have been so hard to watch your body decline. It's not fair what you've had to go through with your legs. But one of my favorite, most recent memories was when we brought Canaan to see you for the first time. He was 3 months old. He was restless because we had been traveling but as soon as he was in your arms (and I mean it was that fast), he was sound asleep. No fuss, no rocking.. just asleep. I had to leave the room because it made me so emotional. I felt like even though he will never know you like I have, he got to experience your love first hand. It was special.

You Are SO Strong! I don't know if you feel like fighting this time, and honestly I wouldn't blame you if you didn't. It breaks my heart that my kids won't know you the way I do. But I have my memories and the greatest peace of all knowing that you are so close to seeing your Jesus, your babies, our babies and your son.

New Years obligatory post

I feel a little even typing a New Years resolution type post. I haven't made resolutions in a long time.. well, not out loud any way. They're always the same.. Lose weight, be more intentional, work out more, spend more time with Jesus. Those are all good resolutions but guess what.. I, like everyone else, quit. I'm a quitter.

Instead of resolutions, the past few years we have done vision boards. They aren't necessarily spiritual, however ours is heavily spiritual. We pray for wisdom from the Lord and write down what He reveals to us. As we pray and believe for these things, we see the faithfulness of God revealed as we check them off.

Of course, if I were to make a resolution it would be to get on track and be healthy. More than that, to be consistent and intentional with the things I know I have to do to be well. I'm so sick of giving up. I need to give up on something though..

I give up on fear. It's exhausting. I'm tired of worrying about everything I eat. Sugar is dangerous and will make you have cancer. Carbs are bad for your heart. Bacon will kill you. I don't eat bacon so I don't care about that.. but you get the point. Sugar and processed foods are bad for you, no doubt about it... and I definitely will work on eliminating them as much as possible, but the guilt that comes with eating any little bit has got to go. The enemy has got to go. He knows the way to make me fearful and I'm done giving in.

I don't need to watch any more documentaries. I don't need to be reminded of how bad certain things are and how much I need good food. I need to give it away and place blame where it's due. Sure, I put the fork in my own mouth but the guilt and the condemnation comes from the enemy and he has got to flee.

So this year is about focus, consistency and being intentional. My whole life, whenever something has been too difficult or involved, I quit.. but I'm done. I'm done placing the blame on my family or circumstances too. Praying specific prayers will help accomplish this task. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

My Oceans moment

Today is our youngest baby's birthday. He's two. His birthday is also an anniversary of the start of a very hard season for me. A difficult, but important season. For the first two days of his life, I wasn't too phased by the fact that one of my legs was still numb. We could still blame it on the epidural at this point.. even though it was a little odd because normally it wore off by now. My blood pressure was high and we were all concerned about that but it wasn't too dangerous to receive a magnesium drip (I got this with our first baby and it was the worst--so I considered this an improvement). Declan was having breathing issues so he was spending time in the NICU hooked up to tubes. I don't want to underestimate the trauma that this was for me as well. With everything going on, this was icing on the cake to not have my baby with me. You see, my heart exploded with his arrival.. I was so in love, so attached to him, that the sight of tubes in his nose and iv's in his hands were just too much for me. It's honestly a little embarrassing to remember how emotional I was seeing him like this. Even though I knew it would all be ok.

My Oceans moment had already begun but I didn't realize it yet. The next few days we had to stay at the hospital. Me for my numb leg and blood pressure and Declan was still receiving antibiotics and in the NICU for his breathing. Every time the doctor and nurse came in they were getting more worried about my leg. It was no longer normal for my leg to be numb because of the epidural. I was an emotional wreck. Anyone who came to visit witnessed a breakdown. We received so many prayers and I will never be able to tell them just how much I appreciated those moments. I needed it so much. I was discharged on a Friday in order to go see a neurosurgeon because the MRI showed a herniated disc at the lowest disc in my back. I knew it was there. Well, I thought I had been healed from it because I hadn't had pain in years, and still wasn't in pain.. just numb. Declan, however, was not discharged. Leaving my baby at the hospital was the hardest thing. The neurosurgeon was not as concerned as my OB was. I was a blubbering mess talking to him about everything that was going on and he was cold and matter-of-fact. That was hard. I already felt ridiculous being so emotional and to be met by someone who was overly uncomfortable at my presence was disheartening. But thankfully, he wasn't doom and gloom about my situation and I was grateful. To this day, no one knows why my leg went numb.

For the next two weeks I slowly started getting better thanks to the medication. I was thankful to be home. I remember crawling to the bathroom to take a shower. I know I could've had help but there are worse things than crawling. My blood pressure was still high, too. I began physical therapy almost immediately and it was painful. Electrodes on my leg shocking me every 8 seconds as I try to move my foot. My calf was on fire and I was constantly terrified that I had a blood clot. Seriously, I was a wreck. I went to the urgent care clinic more times than I would like to admit because my blood pressure was high and my leg was on fire. Pulmonary embolism scared the hell out of me.

You see why I call this my Oceans moment. Not one single moment but a season of them. Every single time I checked my blood pressure and it was high, I thought I was dying. Every time my calf reminded me of my back issues, I felt it was a cruel joke for God to bring us this new life only for it to cost me my own. I can't stress enough that I thought I was dying. It's not too ridiculous of a thought considering a co-worker died of a hypertensive stroke just a few weeks before Declan was born. She was my age. The enemy knew what he was doing. He knows how important my family is to me and he knows how to scare me. Fear is emotional atheism. We had been through so much but I never really dealt with my fear.

Before Declan was here, Hillsong came out with a song called Oceans. It was my favorite song and I prayed that my faith would be strengthened. Be careful what you pray for... To this day I can't sing the song. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that my faith has been strengthened. The Lord has truly carried me through all of the hard times. Sorry if you're reading this hoping for my moment of clarity where I am able to make it through every hard moment from now on because of this experience. The most important thing that the Lord revealed to me was that I had to deal with my fear.  In the past, whenever the enemy starts speaking a lie to me, I always let it in. I would play out every situation with the worst case scenario in mind. The enemy fed on my fear and sent me in to some really dark places. Through freedom prayer, I've discovered where he first started using these lies and the Lord spoke truth into those places so I could get freedom. It was hard work, just as painful as physical therapy and something I will have to continue for the rest of my life.

I came to realize that my faith will be tested. There will be moments where my trust is without borders. I have a choice. Do I live in that uncomfortable, yet comfortable fear that I've known for so long.. or do I let the Holy Spirit lead me in those moments. Do I let Him lead me on the water in faith? I have to. If I don't I am setting myself and my family up for generational curses. I've broken those chains and I can't go back.

In the past two years, I feel like an onion. The Lord peeled back the layers of fear, doubt, anxiety, sin, brokenness. And then He added even more layers of faith, trust, love, and joy. Choosing joy has been one of the hardest decisions. To realize that true joy isn't in circumstances but is in Jesus. A bad day or season doesn't make a bad life and doesn't determine joy. This has been the hardest lesson but has been so worth it. I am automatically winning because I have Jesus.

The light and the dark

We've made some memories this week. I love memories. Never again will I get the chance to really begin introducing Canaan to God. He's heard about God and Jesus when we pray at night or over food. He's learned things at church, too. But, on Monday, August 18, I intentionally began teaching Canaan about God. We started with the very beginning, because well, that's where you should start. If you don't start at the beginning, you will eventually back pedal.

Today, we finished up our week covering the letter C, the number 1 and the Bible verse Genesis 1:1. It was such a great and successful week. Every day we had tons of fun and Canaan loved going to "school". It fulfilled my goal of having routine and structure in our day and helped eliminate some of the boredom that can come with having the day wide open and no plans. See previous post for the lesson plans of each day. We followed it pretty well with the exception of Wednesday and today. On Wednesday, we added the caterpillar project. I'll attach pictures but to go along with the artwork, we read "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" and talked about circles. I was super proud of Canaan for putting the cut out circles in the correct places and giving me directions on where to draw the legs for each circle. Today, instead of doing the creation project I had originally planned, we are going to put that off for later when we talk about Day 4 of creation. So the project today was in direct correlation with Day 1 of creation. The pictures will help explain it.

So, first, Canaan painted the inside of a shoebox completely black

Side note: It would definitely take less time if I did it, but that's not the point.

Then, I had him look inside the box.. What do you see? "Dark" Exactly.

 Then, I put the flashlight part of my phone (actual flashlight was dead) at the other end of the box and then asked what he saw.. "LIGHT".

It was so much fun to see his reaction. Another great resource is the Kids Bible App. They have a story on creation and it's great. It's animated and Canaan just cracks up playing with the animals on it. While I was rocking Declan, I could hear him playing with it. There is a page for when God created light and dark and I could hear Canaan turning the light on and off saying "light and dark". It was really neat to hear him acting out what he has been taught. 

 Here are a couple of other pictures from the week. What I've decided to do instead of hoarding all of his work and instead of throwing it away, is to give it to family members. I'll keep some of it at first to use as review but then it will be mailed off to loved ones. In the picture above, I wrote a description of what we did this week for family who don't have Facebook.

"School" has been a success. Now I'm working on next week's plans.

The letter of the week is 'C'

Yesterday, at the Gilbert house, we started "school". Now, I know what you're thinking.. Canaan is only 2, why do you need to start school? Kids need to be playing, not learning.. Let me assure you, I am not an overachiever. I'm not working toward the next Einstein or whatever. I've read those stories of kids who know their ABC's and 1,2,3's before age 2 because parents constantly quiz them... that's not me.  I'm not about that life.

My purpose of "school" is 3-fold.

First, we need some routine in our day. Not only do we need routine but we need structure. Children need to know how to sit down for something and pay attention. Children in daycare and preschool learn to sit down and participate in activities, story time, meal time, etc. A few days ago, I got this horrible vision that my kids would be the ones with a terrible attention span because all we did was play all day long without them learning how to sit still and pay attention to instruction. Especially because I plan to homeschool, this aspect is super important to me. Pre-school and Kindergarten teachers spend a lot of time teaching their students systems for how to go about their day without chaos. Why not start now?

Second, toddlers have such an appetite to learn. Canaan loves school now because it is low-pressure and fun. If I can foster that attitude and keep it going, the goal is to keep building on skills he's learned and when it's time for kindergarten it will be an easy transition.

Third, it is so important to us that our kids learn about Jesus. Our church does such an awesome job of having Bible stories and lessons prepared whenever we go on the weekends, but it isn't our church's responsibility to teach our children about God. Deuteronomy says it all:

 Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Now, when I say that we have "school", I obviously do not mean 8-3 with a nap in the middle. School for a 2 year old means- when Declan goes down for a nap at 10-10:30- I bring out Canaan's table and chair and we have school for an hour (maybe). The rest of the day we will re-visit different things we've learned. For instance, at dinner, we may have carrots.. Guess, what Canaan? 'C' is for Carrots! Ha!

Because we are in no hurry and because Canaan is only 2, we will stay on a certain topic for a week at a time, if not more. For instance, this week, we are covering: 

- the letter C

- the number 1

- Day 1 of Creation

- Genesis 1:1

Here is a look at this week's schedule:

Monday: 

Introduce the letter "C"

- trace the letter in flour on baking pan, color the letter 'C', Talk about things that start with the letter C.

Introduce our verse: Genesis 1:1- In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Repeat several times and break a part so Canaan can repeat easily.

- Read the children's Bible

-Introduce the number 1 

-Dance and sing song "In the Beginning"

Tuesday: 

-Review verse of the week: repeat several times

- Review the letter 'C' and spotlight "Clouds"- go outside and look at clouds

- glue cotton balls in a 'C'

- Read the story in the Kids Bible App about Creation

- Talk about the #1 and how on day 1 God created night and day. Practice light and dark by turning lights on and off several times

- Also, practice learning #1 by coloring with one crayon at a time

- Flash card for both letter 'C' and #1

-Watch a video about clouds

Dance and sing song of the week

Wednesday

- Review concepts from previous days (trace letter in flour, talk about things that start with 'C', etc)

- 'C' stands for "Car"- play with cars

- Review day 1 of creation: Read Bible story again, have Canaan tell it

- Practice Bible verse

- Color sheet (car themed)

Thursday

- Field trip to Mrs. Debbie's farm

- On the way- sing song and recite verse, also discuss what we'll see and about God's creation

-When we get home: coloring sheet ('C' is for "cows" and "chickens"- God created everything)

Friday

- Review everything from the week

- Art: God's creation of day and night

Some things will change and that's ok. Teachers adapt and adjust all the time. Structure is good but too much structure is not. Kids need to know that they are secure and their learning environment will accommodate their needs. 

So far, Canaan is loving it!! He really loves the Kids Bible App and throughout the day he will pick up the iPad and go read the story himself and play with the interactive pictures. When Levi gets home, Canaan tells him all about "school" and Levi is so good to help keep the concepts fresh throughout the afternoon and evening. It really is about finding ways to incorporate learning in every part of the day, not just a designated time. 

Also, I did not create every activity for the week or the weeks to come. My motto has always been to "work smarter, not harder"- there is no need to reinvent the wheel. Tons of people have created amazing lesson plans, color sheets, folder games, etc.. The key is to take what's already been made and change it for your needs. 

Here are some pics: 

Healing Is In Your Hands

The past several weeks have been difficult. I've known that I won't be returning next year, so just "getting through" these two months has been a challenge. However, God has really opened up my eyes to some serious needs. Since returning, I've had a few very specific prayer requests arise. Before having Declan, I wouldn't have near as much sensitivity to some of these needs. I know that God has placed me back in this school for these two months so that I can speak to these situations and believe on their behalf.

If you pray, please help me pray and believe for healing in these situations.

1. One student, a teenage girl, doesn't speak to her dad. He is a wonderful, involved father and person, but he and her mother divorced a few years ago and she will not forgive him. I understand divorce is hard, especially when all you've known is shattered, but she will regret this season. She is being told lies by her mom about her dad. Parents should never, ever speak badly of each other.. even if it's true. A child, no matter the age, deserves both parents. Her dad calls and texts every day. He has been to every single game and anything else she has been involved in. She sees him there and ignores him. My heart breaks for him. As a parent, I just can't imagine.

2. While I was on maternity leave, one of my 9th grade students learned she has a heart condition. She couldn't tell me the name of it but said it causes her heart rate to skyrocket to over 200bpm while resting. Today I asked for an update and she said she is being consumed with worry and negative thoughts which then makes her blood pressure rise. Boy, do I know that situation! I was able to speak to her about meds, diet and lifestyle changes, and finally about Jesus! I wrote her a note with thinking and speaking positive thoughts, including scripture over her situation. She initiated the conversation about Jesus so I was able to add to it! Praise the Lord! She is also concerned with how the meds she's on is causing so many side effects which are then causing her to be on more meds to treat the new symptoms. The dr is hoping she will grow out of it to avoid surgery but she is considering surgery to avoid the problems caused by the meds.

3. Upon returning from ML, I had several "new" students. I say "new" because they are new to me. Never in my class before. One of these students, I have come to love. She is openly agnostic. But you can tell she has a desire to know God. She talks about it almost constantly. She makes comments that she is "too far gone".. but we know she isn't. She isn't a bad person by any means. The worst thing she does is play pranks on people in Walmart. Ask me about it one day and I'll tell you.. it's actually pretty funny. She suffers from depression and is considered bi-polar. These and much worse run in her family. Her father, whom she hardly knows is on dialysis and not expected to make it much longer. Her mom suffers from multiple-personality disorder and schizophrenia. The student has been in the ER lately because any exertion of energy (walking up stairs) causes her heart are to go up dramatically and causes her to pass out. The dr's haven't been able to diagnose her and are planning to put her on a heart monitor for a few weeks. I'm believing for her curiosity about Jesus to continue to grow  and for the right people to be around when she has questions. Today, I gave her a gift that had some scriptures on it. When some other students made a comment about her "lack of belief" she said she is curious. She likes to study religion. So I said that I don't do it for religion, I do it for the relationship. I know seeds have been planted.

Please, please pray with me for these ladies. Each very serious and can only be healed by Jesus.