Baby of mine

So much has changed since I last blogged... Most importantly, Canaan Rhys is here.. and he is perfect!!
Here's the story.. (just as much for my memories as to tell anyone who might be interested)

So, I had preeclampsia. Early in the third trimester, my blood pressure started creeping up.. I had some high numbers early on but it was understandable.. every time we went in it was really stressful and I was always super nervous. But by this point, everything was going good so my numbers weren't because of nerves. Anyways, after non stress tests twice a week for two months and 2-24hr urine collections, my dr was finally able to diagnose my symptoms. The problem is, preeclampsia is only curable with delivery. We were so afraid we'd have to deliver really early but thankfully were able to hold off. Two trips to L&D for blood pressure and one overnight stay for observation, my dr made the call to deliver at 37 weeks. Ever since the beginning, I had a feeling he would come at 37 weeks.. not just because it's my favorite number.. but for some reason, I just knew that was our lucky week.

We went in Tuesday night to get cervidil. Without giving too much information, my body was in no way ready for delivery.. usually someone is dilated and effaced somewhat before going in and since I was early, my dr was afraid I wasn't ready at all. When we got there, we found that I was dilated to almost a 1 so they were hopeful. However, Wednesday morning they found the cervidil hadn't worked and I was still almost at a 1.. 8:30am my dr broke my water and started pitocin and an epidural.. Thank GOD for epidurals!! I don't know why people don't get them. I was able to focus on everything going on without being in excruciating pain. Anyways, at 11am the dr checked and I was at a 2-3cm.. they weren't very hopeful. They (nurses & dr) were all thinking it would take all day. I took a 2hr nap and the dr came back at 1 to find I was at a 9.5!!! Of course he and the nurses were all shocked.. but I was ready to go!! They got all of their stuff together and at 1:15pm I started to push. I thought it was just practice pushing.. I wasn't really doing anything, or so I thought. Seriously, LOVE that epidural! About 15 minutes into it, my nurse, Carmella (AMAZING, AMAZING woman!) told me to stop pushing because they had to get the dr.. My dr (Dr. Ward.. equally AMAZING) finally got there.. I pushed twice and there he was.. Our beautiful little boy!!

He was absolutely perfect! They placed him on my chest and Levi cut the cord.. then he peed all over the dr and started exercising his lungs :) The nurses did their thing with dad there every step of the way.

After he was here, my blood pressure was still high so I was on magnesium and morphine until Thanksgiving at noon.. but that's the unpleasant part so I won't focus on it. :)

On a better note, Levi is an amazing dad!!! I knew he would be.. but seriously.. words can't express just how amazing he is. For the first two nights in the hospital, he was the one who changed every diaper and was the one to feed Canaan. He did everything because I was unable to. It was so awesome to see them bond right off the bat! Thankfully he got to take two weeks off work and I can't imagine life when he goes back to work.. Most dad's help out but the mom is still the primary caregiver.. that is not the case with us. It's been such an easy and natural transition to parenthood because of how we've worked together. Sure sleep comes in a different form now.. instead of a solid 8 hrs, it's more like 2 1/2 hrs- feed- 2 1/2 hrs- feed and so on.. but it has in no way been difficult. We are SO blessed and thankful!

Canaan Rhys is an absolute doll. He's perfect in every way and everything we prayed for!

11.23.11
1:42 p.m.
6lbs 13oz
18 1/4 in

Goodbye to our little family of two.. (well, 4)

The past few days, ever since we got word I would be induced on Wednesday, all I can think about is how things will change.. I believe it was Thursday and I kept thinking, "this is the last Thursday without Canaan". Then the same thought on Friday and again today. We went to Target to get the few remaining things we really needed off the registry and Levi said "this is our last trip to Target before he gets here".

I believe I'm well aware of just how much things will change.. part of it scares me.. I mean, it's been just Levi and I for over 4 years now. Some families start out with babies or have one shortly after getting married or being together.. it's all they've known. Even though it's been my desire to have kids since I was one myself, I have to be honest in that while this is my greatest desire, it will still be a huge adjustment. I must say though that I am so thankful for the time we've had together before Canaan. I've always said I would have been thrilled if we had a "surprise" before now.. but I'm really starting to understand why God picked the timing he did. We had time to be newlyweds and have no idea what we were doing.. we had the time when we found an amazing church and really got involved at NLC, which allowed us the time to grow individually and together.. not to mention to meet some of the most amazing friends who became the example of parents we wanted to aspire to.. God's timing allowed us to finish college and get our careers started.. I can't imagine how hard this is with a baby in tow. I really admire those who do all of these things with a baby.. if I would have had my way it would have been like this for us too.. but God had a different plan.

One day, we will get to tell Canaan about life before him. How we spent 4 amazing years growing as a couple and when our hearts were so full we knew it was time to have another life to share it with. We'll get to tell him how we prayed for him... how so many people helped us pray for him.. how we prayed so hard for what seemed like forever.. and then the Lord saw fit to bless us with this experience. We'll tell him how it was so obvious the Lord had huge plans for him that the enemy tried so many times to break our spirit.. sounds like the perfect action story for a little boy!

What I'm most thankful for is how the Lord has used this time of waiting for Canaan to grow us... Our marriage will always come first and we have a plan when it comes to parenting. We realize the responsibility we have and the fact that we have to rely on the Lord to guide us. I truly believe God has huge plans for Canaan and I have to be spirit-filled in order to play my part.

The wait is the hardest part

I've wanted to blog lots of times during my pregnancy, but for different reasons, I would start typing and then delete it.. I "plan" on blogging more once I have more to say.. like when the nursery is complete and Canaan is here.

So far, pregnancy has been great. I LOVE being pregnant.. Aside from complications such as the first trimester blood clot and having to take progesterone until 14 weeks and now having blood pressure issues.. it's actually been really easy. I guess more than anything, I'm just thankful.. regardless of the circumstances.

I first felt Canaan move at 16 weeks and since then I can't get enough. I live for his moving and kicks and seeing my belly move like waves.

I love that he actually moves more when we're at church, especially during the worship service. I've prayed that he will have a heart of worship and love music, so it already seems like an answered prayer. We've also prayed he will be easy going and calm and so far his movements seem to go along with that too.

Basically, it feels like the Lord has had his hand on Canaan throughout this pregnancy. A friend of ours called one day to find out what was going on and how to pray more specifically for us and she said that after all the things we've been through she's even more certain that the Lord has some huge plans for Canaan. Why else would the enemy work so hard to throw us off? We've had people tell us before we even told them his name, that he is the promised child and God has huge things in store for him. How amazing is that?!

We have a long list of things we are praying for in Canaan and I fully expect the Lord will give us these desires.. after all, he's given us so much already!

Story behind the name... Canaan

I heard this story in a small group while we were going through the miscarriage in September and it's stuck with me since. 


Basically, the Lord promised Canaan, (the promised land) to the Israelites. All they had to do was go and take it (easy right?!). In going to get a good look at the land, they got scared because the people living there were giants and could surely kill them. Forget the fact that the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE promised it to them.. The people sent to stake it out came back with the report that it was impossible. All but Caleb and Joshua. They were obedient and trusted when the Lord said it was their land to have. (Actual scripture is below)


This story really hit me. I knew the Lord has promised the desire of my heart (to be a mom).. but it wasn't turning out to look like what I thought it would. All he was asking was that I was obedient in trusting in Him and his promises. God is glorified in what we view as impossible. 


There is no official meaning for the name "Canaan" but from this story, the meaning seems to be "promise". I'm glad we finally get our Canaan.


Numbers 13


¹ The LORD said to Moses, ² “Send some men to explore the land of Canaan, which I am giving to the Israelites. From each ancestral tribe send one of its leaders.”


 ²⁶ They came back to Moses and Aaron and the whole Israelite community at Kadesh in the Desert of Paran. There they reported to them and to the whole assembly and showed them the fruit of the land. ²⁷ They gave Moses this account: “We went into the land to which you sent us, and it does flow with milk and honey! Here is its fruit. ²⁸ But the people who live there are powerful, and the cities are fortified and very large.


Numbers 14
⁵ Then Moses and Aaron fell facedown in front of the whole Israelite assembly gathered there. ⁶ Joshua son of Nun and Caleb son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had explored the land, tore their clothes ⁷ and said to the entire Israelite assembly, “The land we passed through and explored is exceedingly good. ⁸ If the LORD is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land flowing with milk and honey, and will give it to us. ⁹ Only do not rebel against the LORD. And do not be afraid of the people of the land, because we will devour them. Their protection is gone, but the LORD is with us. Do not be afraid of them.”


¹⁷ “Now may the Lord’s strength be displayed, just as you have declared: ¹⁸ ‘The LORD is slow to anger, abounding in love and forgiving sin and rebellion.

Bittersweet Symphony

Well I have been a mixed bag of emotions lately...

I talk about fear WAY too much.. I give the enemy way too much credit by dwelling on it so I'll just say I'm still dealing with it.. but there is something greater that I am finally ready to get rid of.

I don't know what you would call it.. maybe regret.. even though it's nothing I could change. Until I meet Jesus, I will never understand why we lost our first baby/babies. And in meeting Jesus, I doubt I will think about the pain of this world anymore, so I will never know why it happened. However, since I am not in heaven, it is still something I think about a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I am so extremely thrilled to be pregnant. It's all I've ever wanted (as if you haven't heard that enough). And there are definite things that have happened that fit together so perfectly to make it seem like a great time to have a baby. For one, I lost my position with the PCSSD (definitely not complaining) which means unless I get another teaching position, I can stay home for as long as I want with the baby. Also, Levi got a great job and right as I lost my position, he was able to enroll for insurance. Because of the things that have been happening, so many people have made the comment that  this is why things have happened the way they have. I have to disagree.. the timing would have actually been better the first time.

My reasoning: #1: I still would have lost my position with the school.. but I would have been able to stay home all summer with the babies (due in May) and apply for positions in the Fall if I wanted or wait until the Spring to get a little more time in.. #2: This is the biggie... My insurance with the school would have still covered the maternity costs.. With the insurance at school, we would only be responsible for about $500 total!! That would have been amazing.. however, now that I lost my job, I also lose insurance (duh) and Levi's insurance is quite a bit different.. We will be responsible for a LOT more than $500.. I must say however that I am very thankful that we have insurance!

This is something I've struggled with throughout this pregnancy so far and I am ready to move on. This baby deserves a mom who isn't thinking about what might have been.. The truth is, if I hadn't lost the first babies, I wouldn't have this one.. and I won't know until December and later just what a blessing this baby is. I pray that this baby isn't just a blessing for us, but is a blessing for the world. That he/she has a heart of worship and a passion to serve. I have so many hopes and dreams for THIS baby that I really need to release the regret for the babies that were taken away. I know they are in the best hands possible.

The following passage is my hope. Knowing the Lord not only knew me before I was a thought but he knew ALL of my days before they were written. He knew what I would struggle with and is never far away. It's not only my hope but is the promise for this baby and for every person. If you've read this far, please don't stop.

Psalm 139

 ¹ You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.
⁵ You hem me in behind and before,
   and you lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
   too lofty for me to attain.

 ⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
   Where can I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
   if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
   if I settle on the far side of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
   your right hand will hold me fast.
¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
   and the light become night around me,”
¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
   the night will shine like the day,
   for darkness is as light to you.

 ¹³ For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
¹⁷ How precious to me are your thoughts,^[a] God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ Were I to count them,
   they would outnumber the grains of sand—
   when I awake, I am still with you.

 ¹⁹ If only you, God, would slay the wicked!
   Away from me, you who are bloodthirsty!
²⁰ They speak of you with evil intent;
   your adversaries misuse your name.
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, LORD,
   and abhor those who are in rebellion against you?
²² I have nothing but hatred for them;
   I count them my enemies.
²³ Search me, God, and know my heart;
   test me and know my anxious thoughts.
²⁴ See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting    

   

We've got the power..

This is long.. if anyone really reads this.. sorry, but I do feel it's been placed on my heart for some time. 

I posted in an early blog about fear.. two most important points include:

1.             What you fear reveals what you value the most.

2.             What you fear reveals where you trust God the least.  

 I've always wanted to know everything there is to know about babies and being a mom. In high school I took Parenting and Child Development and Occupational Child Care. I volunteered at a daycare everyday and worked the summer there too. My dream was to open up my own daycare. I wanted to be a Child Care Specialist because I thought it meant I could tell people how to raise their children. My degree at UCA is in Family and Consumer Science and by far my favorite part is learning about babies. 

I've said all this to say.. I know a lot about babies.. I thought this would be an advantage but lately it's been the opposite. I know just about everything that could possibly go wrong in pregnancy and having children. Therefore, this has translated into real fear.. Obviously I have some reason to be fearful, given my last experience with pregnancy. But I believe God is using it for good.

Basically, I could choose one of two ways to look at this. I could choose to live in complete fear.. fall into the enemies plan to trap me with constant paralyzing fear and I could go throughout my entire pregnancy fearing every little thing that could possibly happen.. OR I could choose to trust the God who promises to give me the desires of my heart. He says those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy (Psalm 126:5). His word also says he doesn't give the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind (2Tim 1:7). 

A friend recently reminded me of my place with God. As Eph. 2:4-7 states we are "seated with Him in the heavenly realms". Luke 10:18-19 says "Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you." WOW. How could I not know this?? Oh yah.. the enemy has been lying to me.. making me think that he is between me and God interceding and bouncing off every blessing the Lord has for me.. when in reality he is BELOW me.. In a diagram, God is first, we are seated right below and Satan is even further below. 

Reminds me of the song "We've got the power"

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN THE NAME OF JESUS

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN HE NAME OF THE LORD

THO SATAN RAGES WE CANNOT BE DEFEATED

WE'VE GOT THE POWER IN THE NAME OF THE LORD

If we don't understand our spiritual heritage, we will not experience the freedom and the fruitfulness that are intrinsic to our position in Christ. We must know the authority that we have in Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit who indwells us. 

I still don't understand why things have happened the way they have.. but I choose to trust the one who knew me before I was even a thought to my parents. The one who knew this time and this baby were perfect for us now. He has the perfect plan and I'll choose to trust it. It won't always be easy.. and I'll definitely have to fight off the lies from the enemy. But I have the power in the name of Jesus. 

THE Last Mother's Day

This will be my last Mother's day without a baby.. In fact, every day lately I've been thinking, this will be my last birthday without a baby.. my last May 1st without a baby... last Christmas, etc, etc...

I know I've said this a lot.. but I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom.. I don't remember exactly when it happened but it feels like all my life.

When I was little I would walk around with tupperware bowls under my shirt. My mom had my two younger brothers when I was just old enough to help.. Sometimes I would act like they were my babies.
When I was older I would write letters to my future children. I would even buy them gifts to put in my hope chest. I would pray for them and hope for them. I had names picked out from the time I was 10.. one of them is still the name I want for a girl.

 This morning was the Mother's Day service at church.. It was very emotional. I've received so many texts, comments and messages on FB and twitter about our announcement and Mother's Day wishes.. it truly warms my heart and means so much. I feel so thankful and just utter praise for the One who has answered our hearts desire.

It still doesn't feel real. I have the sonogram hanging on our refrigerator.. that and my ever changing body and hormones tells me it's true.. but I keep waiting for my bubble to burst. The DR told us on Friday that we should announce it.. even though most people say wait till 12 weeks, he said although it's not impossible, there's a small 3-5% chance of a miscarriage. The hemorrhage is almost completely dissolved. He said if he didn't know if was there, he would have completely looked over it as nothing. HALLELUJAH!!

My heart still aches for my friends without babies. I feel like I've been there for so long.. If you read this, PLEASE join me in praying for them.

So many of the comments say something about how awesome I'll be as a mom. I sure hope so. I really believe it's what I was designed for.. the only thing I've ever truly wanted to be is a mom.. Surely I was made to be a great one. :-)

So, Happy Mother's Day.. I really hope every mom feels loved and valued today and every day.