I don't know if most mom's feel this way at some point or if it's just me... but somewhere around Declan's first birthday, I started to become heartbroken over the way I thought others viewed him. He was our second child and not just that but our second boy. I felt there was already a disappointment in his existence because he wasn't a girl. The thought I kept getting was that everyone overlooked him because he was just another boy, therefore not special. Not to mention at this stage of life, he's just becoming a toddler, so he's more frustrated with his lack of communication skills but more adventurous. Canaan, our oldest, was in such a fun stage. He was talking so much and everything he was saying was so cute. I could definitely tell a preference from the people around me. Or so I thought.
Whatever was going on caused me to cling to my squishy boy harder than ever before. We've had a unique bond since his birth due to the health issues we both had and how he basically had to be attached to me for the first few months. Canaan continued to go to daycare, so for 16 weeks while I was on maternity leave, Sir Declan and I didn't get out of bed until lunch time and we literally just cuddled all day long. That's where the nicknames came from and the songs (yes, songs).
So, fast forward to several months later and it was absolutely heartbreaking to think people were overlooking him. I would cry to my best friend about it but I really wanted to scream at people who I thought were guilty. I was posting more pics of him on social media and got a comment from a family member that I needed to post more pics of Canaan. I don't think they meant anything by it but I took it to mean they were tired of seeing pictures of Declan. Whenever I had a chance I would speak things over him to make sure he knew that he is special and unique. Although, I'm pretty sure God made sure that everyone would know that whenever He created Declan to be so different from Canaan. He makes sure to stand out.
I think I've figured out at least one root of this fear. I have three brothers. One is older and two are younger. When my next to youngest brother was born, some family members made it clear that he wouldn't be as loved as me or my older brother. Absolutely cruel, isn't it? I don't know if it's an older generation type of thing but they said these types of things a lot and I learned a valuable lesson about the power of words at a young age. Anyway, eventually their actions didn't really match these words and they seemed to love him just as much, but I'm afraid the damage had been done. This brother was just not the same in their eyes and it broke my heart. My youngest brother was born and it was like an heir to the throne had come in to the world. I don't know what made the difference for them but he was treated like royalty.
The enemy has a funny way of instilling fear. He will take anything, absolutely any open door and fill the space with something fearful. I think of it like he's waving a fan over your life-- the fan has edges that get in to the crevices of your life to see if there's any room for fear or doubt and if so, that's a door he will go in and set up shop. It's hard to know where these open doors are for yourself, however, I'm learning that setting the foundation is so important. Pray over every area of your life and have a game plan for when fear strikes. Have go-to scriptures ready, like armor, and know how to use them. I don't want my fear over what others may or may not think of my little boy to cause me to speak things over him myself. The Lord has already said that he is fearfully and wonderfully made. Who am I to argue?
