My Oceans moment

Today is our youngest baby's birthday. He's two. His birthday is also an anniversary of the start of a very hard season for me. A difficult, but important season. For the first two days of his life, I wasn't too phased by the fact that one of my legs was still numb. We could still blame it on the epidural at this point.. even though it was a little odd because normally it wore off by now. My blood pressure was high and we were all concerned about that but it wasn't too dangerous to receive a magnesium drip (I got this with our first baby and it was the worst--so I considered this an improvement). Declan was having breathing issues so he was spending time in the NICU hooked up to tubes. I don't want to underestimate the trauma that this was for me as well. With everything going on, this was icing on the cake to not have my baby with me. You see, my heart exploded with his arrival.. I was so in love, so attached to him, that the sight of tubes in his nose and iv's in his hands were just too much for me. It's honestly a little embarrassing to remember how emotional I was seeing him like this. Even though I knew it would all be ok.

My Oceans moment had already begun but I didn't realize it yet. The next few days we had to stay at the hospital. Me for my numb leg and blood pressure and Declan was still receiving antibiotics and in the NICU for his breathing. Every time the doctor and nurse came in they were getting more worried about my leg. It was no longer normal for my leg to be numb because of the epidural. I was an emotional wreck. Anyone who came to visit witnessed a breakdown. We received so many prayers and I will never be able to tell them just how much I appreciated those moments. I needed it so much. I was discharged on a Friday in order to go see a neurosurgeon because the MRI showed a herniated disc at the lowest disc in my back. I knew it was there. Well, I thought I had been healed from it because I hadn't had pain in years, and still wasn't in pain.. just numb. Declan, however, was not discharged. Leaving my baby at the hospital was the hardest thing. The neurosurgeon was not as concerned as my OB was. I was a blubbering mess talking to him about everything that was going on and he was cold and matter-of-fact. That was hard. I already felt ridiculous being so emotional and to be met by someone who was overly uncomfortable at my presence was disheartening. But thankfully, he wasn't doom and gloom about my situation and I was grateful. To this day, no one knows why my leg went numb.

For the next two weeks I slowly started getting better thanks to the medication. I was thankful to be home. I remember crawling to the bathroom to take a shower. I know I could've had help but there are worse things than crawling. My blood pressure was still high, too. I began physical therapy almost immediately and it was painful. Electrodes on my leg shocking me every 8 seconds as I try to move my foot. My calf was on fire and I was constantly terrified that I had a blood clot. Seriously, I was a wreck. I went to the urgent care clinic more times than I would like to admit because my blood pressure was high and my leg was on fire. Pulmonary embolism scared the hell out of me.

You see why I call this my Oceans moment. Not one single moment but a season of them. Every single time I checked my blood pressure and it was high, I thought I was dying. Every time my calf reminded me of my back issues, I felt it was a cruel joke for God to bring us this new life only for it to cost me my own. I can't stress enough that I thought I was dying. It's not too ridiculous of a thought considering a co-worker died of a hypertensive stroke just a few weeks before Declan was born. She was my age. The enemy knew what he was doing. He knows how important my family is to me and he knows how to scare me. Fear is emotional atheism. We had been through so much but I never really dealt with my fear.

Before Declan was here, Hillsong came out with a song called Oceans. It was my favorite song and I prayed that my faith would be strengthened. Be careful what you pray for... To this day I can't sing the song. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that my faith has been strengthened. The Lord has truly carried me through all of the hard times. Sorry if you're reading this hoping for my moment of clarity where I am able to make it through every hard moment from now on because of this experience. The most important thing that the Lord revealed to me was that I had to deal with my fear.  In the past, whenever the enemy starts speaking a lie to me, I always let it in. I would play out every situation with the worst case scenario in mind. The enemy fed on my fear and sent me in to some really dark places. Through freedom prayer, I've discovered where he first started using these lies and the Lord spoke truth into those places so I could get freedom. It was hard work, just as painful as physical therapy and something I will have to continue for the rest of my life.

I came to realize that my faith will be tested. There will be moments where my trust is without borders. I have a choice. Do I live in that uncomfortable, yet comfortable fear that I've known for so long.. or do I let the Holy Spirit lead me in those moments. Do I let Him lead me on the water in faith? I have to. If I don't I am setting myself and my family up for generational curses. I've broken those chains and I can't go back.

In the past two years, I feel like an onion. The Lord peeled back the layers of fear, doubt, anxiety, sin, brokenness. And then He added even more layers of faith, trust, love, and joy. Choosing joy has been one of the hardest decisions. To realize that true joy isn't in circumstances but is in Jesus. A bad day or season doesn't make a bad life and doesn't determine joy. This has been the hardest lesson but has been so worth it. I am automatically winning because I have Jesus.